Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Rant: Taxes, Fire and Police

What do I get for my tax dollars?  In my case, not a whole helluva lot.  I'm sick and tired of being overtaxed and not getting anything in return.  I'd like to see some politician put a few questions on the ballot sometime about how our tax dollars get spent and how we, the great unwashed, would like to see the same dollars spent.  I'll bet it would be forty below in Hell before the government ever did anything like that again.

Keep reading for a Class 'A' rant.  Caution: This post contains offensive language and sedition.

We get roads.  Okay, I drive, I use roads.  We get the Sylvania Township Fire Department, who are a great bunch of guys and who I wouldn't be without.  What am I going to do, try putting out a house fire with my garden hose?  This puts me in mind of one memorable July Fourth when Clarence had an impromptu fireworks display in his back yard, and in the midst of the beer fueled festivities a large pyrotechnical device became unstable, then dislodged itself from the official launch area and started throwing fireballs to all points of the compass.  I recall seeing Shotgun Bob get hit in the back as he was running away.  I had no cover to run to, and so turned and gallantly placed myself between the pyrotechnics and Main Lady so as to protect her.  I heard Big Mike run past past us, breathing hard and shouting advice, “Run! Run!”  After a minute I looked back in time to see the device lobbing fireballs into the side of the neighbor's garage, while Clarence yelled to his wife, “Holy shit Peggy, get the hose!”  The hose was no where to be found and the device finally ran out of ammunition.  The neighbor turned her lawn sprinkler on and positioned it so that it dampened the vulnerable side of her property.

I never hear much from the Fire Department.  I kind of wonder how often they respond to an event like Clarence's little mishap that didn't end as well, and after they've finished extinguishing the blaze get around to ask the dozen or so drunks involved just what happened here only to discover that when it all comes down to the whistle and the steam, this is the result of not terribly bright middle aged men screwing around with fireworks while at the very same time they are all half in the bag.

Don't you firemen just love the fourth of July?

So I need the fire department.  That brings me to the police, and I'm starting to think the police department could be severely reduced.

I could count the number of times I've actually used the police in my entire life without taking off my shoes.  That's in my whole life.  As far as protecting myself, I'm armed.  Let some little gangsta' wanna-be come and try holding me up and I'll put lead in the air.  I'd ventilate him and his buddies and leave them all DRT (dead right there, courtesy of Beat and Release) where they'd reach ambient temperature and cause problems for the Toledo Department of Sanitation.  I wouldn't have trouble sleeping afterwards, either.  No, I don't need the police to help me with any little gangsta' types.  What they can help me with are dangerous drivers.  Which I often see in action, but rarely see pulled over.

I had to run a few errands yesterday and counted three blatant red light violations in the hour or so I spent on suburban roads.  These are not people who run through an intersection on a yellow light when they should be stopping.  These are blatant violations where the adjacent traffic has a green light, but the reptile brains sitting on the pole position have yet to conclude that they are not going to see a prettier shade of green today.  While they sit, contemplating the wondrous universe before them, some silly SOB blows through the intersection.  When this happens there is no cop in sight, so the violators learn that they can get away with this behavior which they know is against the law, but for which they aren't punished.  Instead, they're rewarded as they don't have to wait for the light to change.  Put another way, they don't have to stand in line like the rest of us.  They're special.

This is what worries me.

I could be sitting at a red light in the pole position, and because I'm cognizant of the people stacked up behind me, just as soon as that light turns green I'm going to do my bit to defeat gridlock.  I'm putting my car in motion.  But what I won't know until it's too late is the incredibly stupid soccer mom in her big fucking important SUV who's got five kids in the car, who is late for soccer practice and who is busy thinking about what she's going to have to do to her Old Man in order to get a little extra spending money to go out with her BFF and five other GFs next Satuday and at the same time has her cell phone glued to her head – and she runs a red light doing 45 in a 25 figuring that she's got time to make it.  But my mother's favorite son is in the way.

So I get T-Boned on the driver's side.  All my airbags deploy, my car spins one and a half times before it rolls and in spite of all the government regulated safety gear, the enforceable traffic laws and the plain old common sense that they used to teach us in driver's education, I'm busted up.  I get a head injury and my IQ is reduced from whatever it is to around 45; that of the average house plant.

I am now a burden to the taxpayer.

The dumb fucking cunt (DFC) driving the SUV is going to claim I ran a red light, that she's a good person and that she had children in the car at the time.  Can't anyone understand that?  The children were in the car, and I'm a good person!  I've actually heard this crap firsthand, and if you don't believe me you just ask any cop that's ever handed out a ticket to a DFC in an SUV.  They actually say crap like this and believe it, then they don't understand why they've received a traffic ticket.  Because, you see, they're special.

What should have happened years ago was that when this 29 and holding DFC ran her first red light, the police should have busted her, and I mean busted her right back to perdition.  She should have been cuffed and stuffed, and the kids turned over to the State until this whole sordid business could be sorted out at the State's leisure.  Meantime, her royal fucking majesty could spend some time in the county hoosegow until her case came up.  Ultimately she should be fined and incarcerated for thirty days at hard labor where she could think about just what it was she did to get herself thrown into the slammer.  Her license should be suspended for six months and not reinstated until she completes a course in driver's education which teaches the driver that rule number one is Do Not Smack Into Anything!  When she gets an 'A' for the course without going down on the instructor she can apply to the judge to get her license back.  She should have to deliver an allocution in public court, and if the judge doesn't like her attitude she can wait around another six months before applying again.  That's what should have happened, but it didn't.  She ran red lights before and nothing really bad happened even if she was caught at it, which she probably wasn't.  Instead, something good happened when she broke the law – she didn't have to wait in line for the red light.

So now, just because the cops didn't bust her, I am mentally disabled.  My detractors would argue that this is not the end of the world as they would like it to be, but for the most part these people are Moonbats, FemiNazis and other mental defectives.  And so, you see, I could not possibly give a tinker's damn about just what it is they think.

My future isn't looking too good.  I'm a ward of the State, because what insurance company executive worth their stock options is ever going to put up with this crap?  My premiums are going to skyrocket to about $20,000 per month, retroactive to the day when medical science discovered my lights were on but Mad Jack wasn't home.  The premiums will go even higher unless the government comes to whatever passes for its senses and ditches Ayatollah ObamaCare faster than a Baptist minister ditching a hundred dollar whore on Sunday morning.  I'm going to spend 8 hours of each day sitting in my own shit in front of a television, and because life is so fucking sacred to the Right Wingnuts no one will have the common decency to take me out back and expend a .45 slug into my head, finishing the job that the soccer mom started.  This is something that the politicos would wish for themselves if they were in my position, but being self-centered, arrogant assholes with the empathy of a door knob they haven't been able to make the leap from 'me me me!' to 'that could be me'.  So there I will sit for eight hours until the minimum wage slaves collect me, hose me off and drug me up so I'll sleep for 16 hours without screaming.  I'll have no way to tell anyone about physical pain and no way to explain about a life that goes so far beyond 'not worth living' that I'd need scientific notation for the numbers.  And dignity?  There's a joke for you.

But even if I could be quietly snuffed out, the warehouse administration wouldn't allow it.  I'm worth money, you see.  The warehouse will send an invoice to the Ayatollah ObamaCare who in turn will eventually pay it after deducting a handling charge.  Profit will be made and stock prices will go up.

All this could be avoided if the local police would bust a few traffic violators, then bust a few more.  Bust the ones that run red lights, that tailgate and that act like an asshole while they're driving.  You cops know exactly who I'm talking about, too.  Do not try to pretend you don't.  You've seen 'em.

On the rare occasions where I've seen a cop bust a traffic violator, what I'd like to do is pull over, get out of my car and congratulate the officer on a job well done.  I'd like to buy him a drink and cheer him up a little if he needs it.  He's doing good here.  Naturally I don't do this, but I'd like to.

I think if the cops would bust more traffic violators, I'd be willing to pay them.  I'd even be willing to pay them more than they make now, and I kind of think that something could be worked out as a kind of commission benefit – in addition to regular pay, how about 25% of the fine?  Or maybe a flat $50 bonus if the alleged violator got some jail time.  Not suspended jail time, actual jail time.  And then, after that, some sort of system where the general public who appreciates what they're doing could congratulate them.

I think that's a system that could work.


CWMartin said...

Now that was a rant. A classic rant. Not only did it cut to the core of the point and wave it like a flag, but did so in a rarely-seen mix of profundity and profanity which contained several lines I honestly said, "I wish I'd have come up with that!" Such as never seeing a pettier shade of green, the wondrous universe, the DFC in the BFI SUV, I could go on. But, I'll just say, "well done!"

Old NFO said...

Well said and well done! And agree completely!!! And that goes double if they're driving Bimmers or Mercs...

Mad Jack said...

Thanks guys.

I agree about the BMWs and the Mercs. Caddy SUVs and the Lincoln Navigator are right up there as well.