Thursday, November 10, 2011

Cast of Characters

I've been considering this post for some time. I write about people and provide no easy reference as to their relationships or character, such as it might be. Here's my latest attempt at a comprehensive list.

Update: Times change.  I've revised this entry to reflect the state of the cast.  Those no longer with us, those that are still on the sunny side of the lawn, and those that in more interesting times, would be a doorstop.

Update: June of 2017.  Reflections of change.


Cast of Characters
Mad Jack That would be the author of this blog. I'm an old curmudgeon who has been rode hard and put away wet twice too often.
Main Lady Ex-Main Lady.  One day she announced she was leaving, and that was that.  No explanation, no goodbye, no nothing.  She used to be all that and a fifth of bourbon, but whatever she is now, she isn't my Main Lady.  Main Lady is a retired licensed clinical psychologist with a professional history of curing patients of whatever mental maladies ails them. Main Lady has three little darlings from her previous marriage: Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail.
Flopsy Flopsy is no longer speaking to me.  Whatever... Eldest little darling, an avowed and uncompromising Moonbat who accompanied Big Mike and I to the range one day and blasted holes in everything... down range.
Mopsy Mopsy, who is still on speaking terms with me.  Sort of.  The Little Darling in the middle. Mopsy was a union organizer for the first third of her adult life and is now a Physical Therapist. Mopsy is both bright and artistically talented, but is still a Moonbat at heart.
Cottontail Cottontail is no longer speaking to me, and has split with Que Bee One - he turned out to be gay, and one day he just packed up and left.  The Youngest Little Darling. Cottontail is a DVM (Doctor of Veterinary Medicine) with a specialty in internal medicine, a vegan vegetarian, animal rights activist, Registered Moonbat and every liberal thing else that you can imagine. Despite this, she believes that PETA goes too far.
Que Bee One Now Cottontail's ex-husband, or something. Que Bee One (QB1) is a veterinary surgeon, college football quarterback who is now retired and living off the residuals from his college sports career, which is supplemented from his secondary career in veterinary medicine.  He turned out to be a bit light in the loafers, and as a result split with Cottontail.  From what little I understand, he refuses to come out of the closet.
Ding Bat Main Lady's sister. An unemployed artist, she is treacherous and has taken an irrational dislike to Mad Jack, who has never done anything to deserve it. She is obsessed with cats, almost to the point of a disability. She used to be married to DC Law, but DC cashed in his chips.  Sadly, Ding Bat did not.
Uncle Sardonicus My maternal uncle, Sardonicus loves attending baseball games and shouting profane personal abuse at both team's coaches and all umpires. This attitude carries over into his political opinions, of which there is no shortage. He's a technophobe and something of a control freak, but he's a ball at parties where he'll get half in the bag and raise hell with anyone about politics until his wife puts a stop to his shenanigans.
Auntie Annie Wife to Uncle Sardonicus, Annie is Mom's sister. She spent a large portion of her life traveling around the globe, mainly in Spanish speaking countries as she is truly bilingual.
88 Daughter and only child of Uncle Sardonicus and Auntie Annie, she is an accomplished writer and musician (piano). 88 lives in New York city but is good company anyway.
Big Mike My brother from Columbus, Ohio. Big Mike is an avid hiker with extensive experience in the Grand Canyon (the Grand Canyon rangers won't go where Big Mike hikes), gun owner and political adversary to Moonbats everywhere. He has hands the size of Cleveland, a superior intellect and is unmarried.
Chatelaine Big Mike's mom. Chatelaine drinks martinis, is retired and is excellent company. She's one of my favorite people.
Lash Big Mike's ex-roommate. Lash hikes the Grand Canyon with Big Mike, drives a race car on weekends and lives alone. He likes fast cars, fast food and fast women.
Pastor SkypilotNow retired to someplace in Nowhere, Ohio.  Used to be pastor of the Church where I generally show up late for services most Sundays. Pastor Skypilot is a rejected Baptist who wields a large print copy of The Holy Bible, New International Version in one hand and pamphlet listing the Seven Deadly Sins in the other.  The man doesn't drink, dance or play cards, yet he and I are good friends.
Shotgun Bob My brother from Memphis, Tennessee. Shotgun Bob shares his house with three dogs, Big Blue the Great Dane, Rudy / Rudolfo the American Bulldog and NoBuddyDown the Golden Retriever; three cats (Boilermaker, Tucker and AnotherOne) and one soon to be adopted foster child, Albert. Shotgun Bob is married to The Girl, who also resides at Shotgun Bob's house.
The Girl Shotgun Bob's wife. If The Girl and Ding Bat ever get together you'll likely read about Mad Jack in the morning obits, the cause of death being electrocution by a household appliance that somehow fell into a hot tub combined with an overdose of Bromadiolone.
Albert Foster child being adopted by Shotgun Bob and The Girl. Albert reminds me of Blood, the talking dog in A Boy and His Dog (1975). Albert is about 10 years old and sits in the gifted class at school. I actually call him Albert in real life and people think I'm making a reference to Albert Einstein, although Shotgun Bob suspects there's more to it than that and Big Mike likely guessed the truth immediately. For the rest, I leave them to their fantasy.
Aunt Quakerlife Mom's sister. A very kind and gentle woman with spiritual faith like the rock of Gibraltar.
BigNewzMy Cousin, Uncle Ballbat and Aunt Quakerlife's son. He's a major player in the news business, and by major I really do mean major. He rubs elbows with U.S. Presidents.
BigDealBigNewz's wife. She's quiet, thoughtful and hard working.
HappyFluteMy Cousin, Uncle Ballbat and Aunt Quakerlife's daughter. She loves kids, so we don't have much in common. She's a gun owner and avid hunter.
GongHappyFlute's husband. An inscrutable oriental, you can never tell what he's thinking.
Big FrankNot to be confused with Big Mike, Big Frank looks like an aged Hell's Angel and has a heart as large as the rest of him. Frank really and truly is quite large, is generally unshaven and wears his hair long. He's divorced and has one daughter, Penelope. Frank quit school when he was 16 to go to work and support his family.
PenelopeBig Frank's daughter. Penelope went to college on a scholastic scholarship and graduated cum laude. Her major complaint was that the courses were too easy. She is married to Poindexter.
PoindexterPenelope's husband. Poindexter went to college on a scholastic scholarship and graduated suma cum laude. Early in his relationship with Penelope, Big Frank informed him that "If you ever hurt my little girl, I'll break you in half." Frightened out of his mind, he kept going and four years later asked Big Frank for permission to marry Penelope. Big Frank now has a son. Poindexter, by the way, really does look the part of the classic nerd; thin and vaguely unkempt, he's somewhat naive.
Big JohnBig Frank's brother. He's a bit larger than Frank, covered in tattoos and practices open carry (legal in Ohio). His heart is a large as the rest of him, and he's been a huge help to me in the past.

Characters No Longer With Us
MomNow deceased, and each day it gets a little easier.  My own dear mother who taught me to read and managed to get me raised. Mom is in her 80s, and during a recent Church work day teamed up with the Pastor of our Church. She worked him right into the ground.
Excellent Rachmaninoff Main Lady's dog, who is very bright and possibly the best dog East of the Mississippi and North of the Mason-Dixon Line in spite of a few minor behavioral issues involving teeth. The final blog entry is here: RIP Excellent Rachmaninoff
Banana Nose Doberman owned by Que Bee One and Cottontail who is now deceased.
French Pig French bulldog owned by Que Bee One and Cottontail. The dog is cute but ill-mannered, and generally causes problems. No longer causes problems, being deceased.
Mojo A nondescript cat owned by Que Bee One and Cottontail. They adopted the cat knowing that it has a very bad heart, requires constant care and will likely have a short life. It's a nice, well-behaved cat and it lives better than I do. Now deceased.
DC Law Ding Bat's husband. A beltway lawyer whose sole claim to fame is that he skipped town right ahead of a host of legal papers having to do with a little mix up now known as the Watergate scandal. No, I'm not kidding. He's retired and spends his time drinking gin and playing Second Life.
Centenarian Main Lady's mother who is over 100 years old and who has enjoyed lunch with Anna Eleanor Roosevelt, the First Lady of the United States from 1933 to 1945. She also waylaid President Bill Clinton and First Lady Hillary Clinton on their way out of church in Arlington and spoke with him at some length in the parking lot. She told him what a great job he was doing and how proud she was of him and of Hillary. President Clinton was nice to her and waited politely for the conversation to conclude.
Grandma Bourbon My paternal grandmother. As miserly as Grandpa was, my grandmother didn't hesitate when it came to high living. She drank martinis, loved to entertain and was an excellent and generous hostess.
Grandpa Parsimonious My paternal grandfather, Grandpa was a real operator. He used to be able to walk around Washington D.C. and tell you who was on the take and how much it would cost to buy him. These were the days when it was him; her stayed at home. I remember him as being wealthy and somewhat miserly.
Feed Bag Foster child who used to live with Shotgun Bob and The Girl. Feed Bag has issues that were slowly being ironed out by the two adults. These issues have a lot to do with never having a parent to raise him.
Uncle Ballbat My maternal uncle, Uncle Ballbat passed away the day after Thanksgiving in 2011. He played minor league baseball, was an elder in his Church and was a general all-around nice guy. I miss him.

And that's that.

2 comments:

Jane Hinrichs said...

Mad Jack, I so love this cast of characters. Have you written a book yet???? You are great with descriptions.

Mad Jack said...

Thanks Jane. Yes, I have a few stories in the works. I haven't submitted anything as yet.