I'm taking a leave of absence for a few months due to poor health. I'll resume blogging with a vengeance in a month or two. Keep reading for the details as it amuses you to do so.
About two months ago I began suffering intermittent pain in the right side of my neck, and I couldn't put a name to the bastard. When the pain got too bad, I uncorked my stash of Vicodin and called my sawbones.
Why is it that everyone at a doctor's office greets me with a perky, "Hi! How are you today?" I never know what to say to this, and when I'm in pain I don't do too well at anything, let alone trick questions. I growled something to the effect that I was on the sunny side of the lawn and wished I wasn't, at which point little Miss Sunshine put a sock in it and took my vitals. Doc Sawbones saw me right afterward, and for a change he wasn't his usual flippant self.
Doc Sawbones told me that I had an infection in my neck, and that it was unusual as they generally don't last all that long. He prescribed a week of antibiotics with the stipulation that I come back in if the pain and the lump on the side of my neck didn't go away. When I asked for more Vicodin, Doc Sawbones filled my request with a minimum amount of reluctance, saying only, "Now you don't eat these like candy, you understand?"
I came back in at the end of the week, and Doc sent me to an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor, whom I'll call Doc Delphi. Delphi is a good man, and is very concerned about my condition. Doc Delphi fires information at me like a machine gun. Unfortunately, I'm all tanked up on Vicodin and so catch about one sentence out of three. What I gather is that Doc Delphi needs to find out just what this lump in the side of my neck is before he can treat it. That means a CT scan, which happens on Monday. Doc Delphi thinks that it's very unlikely that this is an infection. He also thinks it unlikely that this is cancer. Just what he thinks it is he won't say, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.
So I'm headed in for a scan. Then we'll see what's what.
Most of the time this hurts about the same way a nagging wife irritates you. Just about the time you forget about her, she starts up again. The rest of the time it doesn't hurt at all because I'm either unconscious or it's one of those rare instances where it just doesn't hurt. The rest of the time it varies, but when it decides to act up it compares real favorably with a bad bout of kidney stones, or that time you were half in the bag and broke your toe on the couch when you were trying to stagger off to bed. You know that familiar thud and the rush of pain right after? Like that, only in continuous waves.
Usually I try one Vicodin with a shot or two of whiskey. I give it an hour, and if the pain doesn't diminish I follow up with another Vicodin and a second shot. Other times I just get sick and tired of being in pain, so I take two Vicodin and plenty of water, then I sit and wait. Sooner or later I start to smile.
And that's that. Maybe I'll post an update later on.