Cookout Season 2024

Cookout, backyard barbecue, picnic, whatever.  Summer's here, and I'm inspired to do my annual civic duty in the form of a public reminder on graceful human behavior.

A Typical Backyard

I got this one from someone named Jae Loso (Jabrya) (JTLoso) on the book of faces and fuckups, and she comes close to getting it right.

Picnic, cookout, and backyard barbecue season is upon us, and as we begin our merry way down barf boulevard and food poisoning, there are a few things we, meaning rude, inconsiderate, first class cousins to pavement apes everywhere, should keep in mind.  Check the list and do not say that an item doesn't apply to you, because... well, whatever reason.

Just check the list, Fido.

1) Do not show up if you were not invited by the host. I don't care who you know!

With a yard full of people, the very last thing our noble host wants to deal with is a party crasher - especially an entire family of party crashers.  These people never bring anything but ill-behaved offspring, who will bring a friend or two, and will eat and drink themselves into a stupor.

2) If you were invited do not bring extra people with you.

If the host is a family member and you're on great terms with them, explain that your friends dropped in for a visit, and ask permission for them to attend.  If the answer is 'yes', then you, the guest with the extra people, are obligated to bring something significant to the party.  A bag of chips and a six isn't going to get it.  A case of beer and two large side dishes will make you welcome.

3) Always ask 'Do I need to bring anything?'

Even if the host says 'no', persist and make a few suggestions.  A bag or two of ice is always welcome.

4) Should you bring anything at all, bring it with the intention of leaving it.

Taking home your own leftovers is tacky. Just don't do it unless the host wordlessly hands you the container as you're leaving.

5) If you have not contributed financially to the event you are not entitled to leave with anything wrapped in aluminum foil or in a Tupperware container.

I've met people who show up with empty food containers.  They arrived empty, they should leave empty.

6) Everyone has rules at their house, be respectful or don't come.

Some of this stuff is obvious.  Don't tease the dog, don't feed the dog, control your kids. Don't leave three pounds of digested leftovers in the bathroom toilet, then leave the window closed while you walk out with a shit eating grin.  I've actually been through this one, and it is well and truly something else.

7) If your children are not well behaved, you must stay at home with your children.

Stay home and teach the little heathens some manners.  One way you'll know that you should do this is when the host warns you that this party is for adults only.

8) The Saints will mingle with the Aints, if you can't handle that, stay home!

Don't get full of beer and argue politics or religion.  You aren't going to change anyone's mind, and you'll likely start a fight.

9) This is not the time for you to learn the latest line dance. Sit down somewhere! You had all winter to practice!

I taught dancing for over ten years, and one thing I will not do is try learning a new dance at a party. I'll sit this one out.

10) If you smoke, and I truly do not care what you smoke so long as it's a legal substance, sit yourself down in an isolated area. No one wants that stuff blowing in their face or over their food.

I'm allergic to tobacco smoke, and it feels like I'm trying to breathe razor blades.

11) This goes along with number seven. The party is not a free babysitting service. You brought your child, you watch your child, and you keep it from disturbing the other guests. Bring your own muzzle and restraints.

Generally speaking, we don't want children.  I'd make an exception for extremely well-behaved children.

12) The food is not going to run out. Stop making these gigantic plates knowing you can't eat it all.

I've seen people coming back with a plate large enough for three people.  Be reasonable and remember you're not the only hog at the trough.

13) Stop asking who made the potato salad. If I told you, you wouldn't know any way!

I don't agree with this one.  If you find something especially good, ask who made it and compliment the chef.  It takes work and costs money to prepare a good dish.

14) Before you trip (make a fuss - MJ) about the sodas not being "Name Brand", ask yourself did you contribute one dime.

This is a good point, but I've never heard anyone complain.

15) Before you open a fresh bottle of water finish the one you started! Seriously!

Drain the bottle.  I'm old enough to remember when water, H₂O, was free. I'm serious, here. You wouldn't throw away half a beer, would you?

That's about it. If I'm invited to a backyard barbeque, picnik, whatever, I'll always bring something and I'll often stay late and help clean up.  Although, in all honesty, the older I get the less that happens.

Any extra suggestions can be listed in the comments.

Thanks for reading.

The Conclusion of an Evening Meal