Movie Review: Primate

Primate

IMDB - Primate

I watched Primate last night on Amazon prime, mainly because I was bored out of my mind and half in the bag from drinking a banana daiquiri on an empty stomach. So... Primate. Without checking why it's rated R, I started it up. 

Keep reading for an honest, unbiased review.

The deal is that four twenty-something hot college types congregate at the lead hottie's house, a multi-million dollar mansion built on the side of a mountain in Hawaii. They want a few days of fun and frolic in this is a multi-floor layout which includes an indoor-outdoor pool and all the amenities anyone could want. Except for one thing: a chimpanzee lives there too.

I hate primates. Chimps especially.

The master of the mansion is a deaf scientist/writer, and the actor playing him actually is deaf and has been since birth, which makes him as exciting as a broken wind-up toy. There's also an assistant scientist (think Frankenstein and his assistant Igor) who we see for about thirty seconds before the chimp gets him and literally tears him apart. The mad scientist is at a book signing of all things, so the kids are home alone.

At this point you should be thinking Cujo and Stephen King, and you'd be right to do so. The chimp gets rabies from a dead mongoose and as time passes... well, it's predictable, and the plot is as vapid and anyone might imagine.

Cutting right to the Cujo type chase, chimps can't swim. The hotties jump into the pool, and eventually this train wreck comes to an end.

Exception: One hottie (she gets killed later) asks the hottie who lives in the house where the gun is. Gun?

Yeah, gun. You know, to shoot the chimp if anything should ever go wrong. This makes her a class 'A' pariah, so we're not supposed to feel too bad when she gets killed by the chimp.

Two things the film got right. One, the hotties mention that there is no rabies virus in Hawaii, and there really isn't. The government uses Draconian measures to prevent it.

Peanut Gallery: Then how did the chimp get rabies Jack?

Mad Jack: From a dead mongoose, and stop right there. If the chimp didn't get rabies, we wouldn't have a story. No real loss, but that's the way things are. See?

Peanut Gallery: Yeah, I get it now! Gee whiz Mad Jack, you sure are smart. I heard you graduated eighth grade at the top of your class!

Mad Jack: Put a sock in it Glen Filthie.  Now then...

Two, insofar as a chimpanzee has ever been persuaded to bench press anything, the chimp can press 1000 pounds without too much effort. Me, I can maybe bench 70. The chimp weighs about 200 pounds and is fast, especially when climbing. Never mind what I weigh, just know that I can climb a flight of stairs - with effort.

Since the film was written, directed, and produced by a Hollywood Democrat, you know what to expect. The acting is actually pretty good, the sets are nice, and if someone had pulled the family pistol fifteen minutes into the show and ventilated the chimp, we could all enjoy the film. As it is - no.

Like I say, I hate primates. Given the actors and the sets, Primate could have amounted to something. Like, say, a secret mind control test animal could have been stolen by the mad scientist and is wired to the Internet, then some hackers... okay, that didn't happen, but it beats rabies where there ain't none.