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I am so fucking sick and tired of people trying to relieve me of my money that I swear I'm going to find a nice bell tower, climb it and play Led Zeppelin through one hundred grand worth of stereo equipment while I stand on the edge and take a three minute piss all over the world. When I go to the mall the signage screams at me, music blares constantly and everything screams 'Buy! Buy! Buy! You need some last minute stocking stuffers!' I would dearly love to find the complete and total asshole who invented the phrase 'stocking stuffer', tie 25 pounds of 'stocking stuffers' around his neck and immerse him in a badly used outhouse at the Columbia City, Indiana fairgrounds. Then there's the charities. The phone rings constantly. We get three to five calls a day from charities who claim that they are going to save all the children of the world for a small donation. I try to explain we're broke, but it falls on deaf ears. I finally told one lady that I wanted some of that money they've been collecting, that I was broke and needed it. She responded by saying that they were going to get to me, but they had to take care of these children first. Just who the hell was it that I got pregnant, anyway?
Then there's the home front. Centenarian is still hanging on, but she's in bad shape. Bluntly, she's circling the drain and the closer she gets the meaner and more difficult she is to care for. Main Lady has finally seen the wisdom in hiring some extra help, which Centenarian generally hates but which is better than the alternative – the old folks warehouse, where they keep the inmates drugged to the point of the worker's convenience and change their pants twice a day. Main Lady's three little darlings are helpful, but now it looks like Main Lady is requiring some care as well. I gather that she's emotionally run down and the constant sleep deprivation is taking a toll.
Cottontail and Que Bee One were in town over Thanksgiving, and Cottontail was able to help out. Excellent Rachmaninoff nailed Que Bee One in the ankle which Big Mike and I found amusing. Que Bee One is a certified veterinary surgeon and self-professed dog behavior expert. Flopsy and Mopsy came into town for the Christmas holidays, which is a big help. The Flopsy got sick and became a liability, so Mopsy decided that rather than go home and earn a living (she's a physical therapist) she would have to remain here. So Main Lady and Mopsy are providing 24/7 care for Centenarian. They are aided by various nursing staff that are paid an hourly wage and must be carefully supervised. One young lady fell asleep the other night. I gather she's a college student majoring in social work.
The local witchdoctor has determined that Centenarian has an infection of some sort. Half the medical staff think the infection should be treated while the other half think the symptoms should be treated because pretty soon now Centenarian won't be worried about an infection and neither will anyone else. This argument has been simmering for several days and it's coming to a conclusion today, one way or another.
Add to this the confusion and stress of the Christmas holidays and the familial dynamics of Flopsy and Mopsy, who are getting along about as well as any bellicose, militant Imam and the average astucious, beguiling Rabbi would during a Christian holiday, and you have the makings of a classic family feud.
So naturally, right in the middle of all this, right smack on Christmas Eve, DC Law cashed in his chips.
That's right. DC Law, husband of Ding Bat, has passed on to that big courtroom in the sky, there to work pro bono on the cases of the criminals that should be stoking the furnace but who have chosen to plead 'not guilty' and demand a trial. I don't know what the backlog is, but I'll bet it's significant.
The cause of death has yet to be officially determined, but let me reassure you that no foul play is suspected. The man drank a fifth every three days or so, came down with an aggressive form of cancer that medical science tried to treat with chemo-therapy, then came down with an infection that did not respond to treatment, then it was discovered that DC Law was allergic to one of the antibiotics the doctor had him on, and the fertilizer hit the impeller and that was that. No one knows when the funeral is or even if there's going to be one, as DC Law's family is handling the arrangements. Which is just as well, as Ding Bat is incapable of handling jello with whipped cream let alone the crap that follows the death of a spouse.
As for me, I just found out that a man I used to work with died in his home of unknown causes, and I have another good friend who is losing a fight with an aggressive form of cancer. My brother California Dave lost his stepfather two weeks ago. It just seems like the hearse is driving past my house quite a bit lately.
I had a very nice Christmas dinner, and the big hit this year was the eggnog. Here's the recipe:
Traditional Eggnog Recipe
12 eggs, separated
6 cups milk
2 cups heavy cream
2 cups bourbon
1 ½ cups sugar
¾ cup brandy
2 teaspoons ground nutmeg
In a large bowl and using a mixer, beat the egg yolks together with the sugar for approx 10 minutes (you want the mixture to be firm and the color of butter).
Very slowly, add in the bourbon and brandy - just a little at a time.
When bourbon and brandy have been added, allow the mixture to cool in the fridge (for up to 6 hours, depending on how long before your party you're making the eggnog).
Note: I mixed this up and refrigerated it for about two hours, which was plenty.
30 minutes before your guests arrive, stir the milk into the chilled yolk mixture.
Stir in 1 ½ teaspoons ground nutmeg.
In a separate bowl, beat the cream with a mixer on high speed until the cream forms stiff peaks.
In yet another bowl, beat the egg whites until stiff peaks form.
Gently fold the egg white mixture into the egg yolk mixture.
Gently fold the cream into the egg mixture.
After ladling into cups, garnish with the remainder of the ground nutmeg.
I halved this recipe and it served ten so well that Mom had trouble setting the table. I'd like to meet the eight people that divide a full portion of this concoction evenly between all of them. We're talking heavyweights, and no mistake.
This stuff is potent. This is not for little old ladies who have a glass of eggnog once a year and giggle about it, nor is it for children who drink hard cider like it's a big deal. This stuff is for hard core drinkers that can put it away and hold it.
The nog is also filling and tastes great. I give it five out of five stars and will serve it up again next year. I used pasteurized eggs with this, but each to his own.
I probably won't write again until New Year's. So. Merry Christmas to all of you, and I hope you have a happy new year's eve.