Yeah, that's right. Christmas. Not 'Happy Holidays' or any of that other happy horseshit. Keep reading for a politically incorrect view of Christmas and a recipe for egg nog that will flatten all but the professional drunkard.
I've pretty much had it up to here (hand to nose) with the crap that passes itself off as part of the Christmas season. You know what I'm talking about. TV, radio and advertising signage screams at you to go in debt for five grand so you can save a sawbuck this year. The entire business is shoved at us by commercial media, which is fueled by retail sales and modified by the panty-wetting nitwits in the government bureau of political correctness, whose lunatic ideas are enforced by various professional whiner groups that file one frivolous lawsuit after another whenever some fool at the office wishes some other greedy son-of-a-bitch a merry Christmas instead of happy holidays and so ostensibly offends their delicate sensibilities about their religious beliefs, which are suddenly atheist.
Then I have to listen to this Kwanzaa business. Are you kidding me? This is Christmas. It isn't Kwanzaa, and it isn't happy holidays. It's good old, regular Christmas. If it's really Kwanzaa, then why isn't the radio station playing Kwanzaa music instead of Christmas music. Which, by the way, if I hear Bing Crosby moaning out White Christmas one more time, I'm going to go ballistic and dynamite the radio station.
Then there's the screwball driving that surfaces during the Christmas season. Everybody has to rush out and shop, and for some reason more than half of these people seem to truly believe that a red traffic light is just a suggestion, and not a very good one at that. I almost got clipped twice last week by complete and total assholes who decided to deliberately run a red light. These aren't the clowns that tailgate through the intersection behind the yo-yo that might be able to argue the light was yellow. We're talking a stale green light with no traffic cameras or cops in sight. One guy I saw coming, and the other I didn't. I just waited a few seconds to see if anyone was going to bust the light. Someone did, and the guy behind me abruptly stopped laying on his horn.
People get trampled by shoppers on Black Friday. It's happened before, and unless the government passes a host of laws making Black Friday illegal and attaching jail time to offenders, this incredible event is going to happen again. I cannot for the life of me imagine what is going on inside the head of someone who will help trample someone else to death, or fight over merchandise or do any of the other violent, nutty things that happen during the Christmas season. I think these events need more commercial media coverage and talking-head outrage. It won't happen, but I think it should.
If the kids watch TV, and most do, they get inundated with advertising telling them what mom and dad should be buying them this year, because everyone else will have one. For reasons we won't go into, I actually looked at some of this junk and it doesn't do anything. Case in point, in the bad old days when we started the day at public school with the pledge of allegiance and the Lord's prayer (which would explain a lot in my case - I've been injured and traumatized by public school, where's my money?), as I was saying, the Lord's prayer, we got stuff for Christmas that you could do things with. With an erector set you could build any number of things, and with a little imagination you could build more. If you had Tinkertoys or Legos or even plain old building blocks, the ceiling was the limit. Not so much these days.
Albert is now the proud owner of a compound bow that he can actually draw. He's 11 years old. The bow came with three (3) arrows, so he's getting a few more for Christmas. I asked Shotgun Bob if he wanted target heads or hunting heads, and old Bob got a little upset. Albert's getting target heads, and Shotgun Bob's accusations about me sending along a few hunting heads in the name of fun are groundless. Albert is also getting a compass, so that when he gets dropped off in the middle of an unknown wilderness he'll be able to find his way out. Shotgun Bob is getting a bedside gun safe, one of those kid proof boxes with a three button combination and a key override. Shotgun Bob tells me that his neighborhood is getting to the point where a nightstand gun is necessary, but Albert cannot be trusted to keep his hands off shiny things that he's been ordered not to touch or else. Hence the gun safe.
Me, I'm going to ride this whole business out under the influence. And so, as promised, here's a sure fire recipe for egg nog.
Traditional Eggnog Recipe
12 eggs, separated
6 cups milk
2 cups heavy / thickened cream
2 cups bourbon
1 + ½ cups sugar
¾ cup brandy
2 teaspoons ground nutmeg
In a large bowl and using a mixer, beat the egg yolks together with the sugar for approx 10 minutes (you want the mixture to be firm and the color of butter).
Very slowly, add in the bourbon and brandy - just a little at a time.
When bourbon and brandy have been added, allow the mixture to cool in the fridge (for up to 6 hours, depending on how long before your party you're making the eggnog).
30 minutes before your guests arrive, stir the milk into the chilled yolk mixture.
Stir in 1 + ½ teaspoons ground nutmeg.
In a separate bowl, beat the cream with a mixer on high speed until the cream forms stiff peaks.
In yet another bowl, beat the egg whites until stiff peaks form.
Gently fold the egg white mixture into the egg yolk mixture.
Gently fold the cream into the egg mixture.
After ladling into cups, garnish with the remainder of the ground nutmeg.
The recipe claims that it serves eight. Like hell it does. It makes enough for twice that number. The nog is both rich and potent; it's also delicious, so guests will drink it and become cross eyed before dinner. I've made this and I halved the recipe. People loved it, and Mom had two cups and then needed help to find her way back to the kitchen. The recipe should have some kind of disclaimer attached to it advising that this is for professional use only.
Merry Christmas everyone! Thanks for reading!