Tuesday, August 28, 2018

These Roads Are Not Safe!

My nephew Albert turned 16 last week.  His father, Shotgun Bob, brought him down South for a little visit.  I collected Big Mike and 88, and we all went out to dinner.  During this momentous occasion I debated about just what sort of wisdom I should impart to the little fellow as he achieved a state of mobility, approached high school graduation at a snail's pace, and now (thanks to Shotgun Bob) has a rolling bedroom.

So... somewhere between the second and fifth martini, I said, 'Albert?' I said.  'Albert, stop drooling over the tits at the next table and pay attention.  I've got something to tell you, and it's important.'

'Just when do you not have something important to say when you're half in the bag, Uncle Jack?'

'When I'm asleep or lost deep in thought.  Roughly the same thing.  So... where was I?  Ah.  Here we go...'

It's important to stay in school, get good grades, and obtain one or more scholarships somewhere.  Mainly because although it's true that money does, in fact, grow on trees, that particular tree does not grow in Shotgun Bob's back yard.  Mine neither.

Now then.  Barring unforeseen accidents or a loss of Shotgun Bob's seemingly infinite patience, you're going to grow up.  There's no use fighting it; it happens to all of us.  As you grow older, you'll develop a philosophy about life.  Now because we're related and I, oddly enough, actually like you, I'm going to save you some time and trouble.  I'm going to explain my own personal philosophy which you can then adopt as yours, absolutely free of charge.  Are you - stop it with the blonde, Albert - are you paying attention?

Looking back over my shoulder, I see the manager glaring at me and the waitress telling him something.  Looking back over my other shoulder, I can see the entire history of my life.  I had a good job, and most of the money I made I spent on firearms, fast cars, faster women, and top shelf whiskey.  The rest I just wasted.

It was here that Shotgun Bob made a grab for me, attempting to stifle me with a dinner roll shoved into my fat yap.  Anticipating such a move, I successfully evaded him.

Two other great truisms I discovered rather later in life, but much sooner than my peers, is that if it floats or fucks, it's cheaper to rent it.  Especially in that last case.  The second great truism is that if it has tits or tires, you're going to have problems with it.

And that's it.

I think at this point Big Mike interjected with, "Remember, no matter how good she looks or what she says, some man somewhere is sick and tired of putting up with her shit."

We finished dinner with a nice brandy and another cocktail at Big Mike's.

I think Albert will be fine.


CWMartin said...

And with a bit of a grin, he says to himself, "I don't think I shall share this post with Laurie..."

Glen Filthie said...

I have to disagree!

Buy a Toyota new, take care of it, and drive it until the doors fall off 15 years later. Rinse and repeat once, maybe twice.


Mad Jack said...

Glen: Which is what I do. I have a Honda that's going to last (knock wood) for another 10 years or so. By that time I'll be too busted up to pass a driving test anyway, and self-driving cars will be a thing of the present.