Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Quora Question: Why is there air?

The old Coz knew the answer to that one.  Here's a few answers I posted on Quora, mainly to see how long my insightful if somewhat pithy responses would be tolerated by the overly sensitive Quora censors that protect humanity from people like me.

What is an urban dance fitness class like?

You get one of two scenarios:
One, it’s a bunch of fat people sweating and struggling for air as they try to keep up with an instructor that’s fit for the Olympics.

Two, it’s a bunch of gorgeous women in skin tight leotards perspiring lightly while executing a professional level dance routine. You’ll see the occasional man there, but unless the guy looks like a model and is gayer than a three dollar bill, he’ll get frozen out.

Are there industrial risks in San Cristóbal, Venezuela?

Yeah, and the top three are starvation, disease, and hot lead from an AK-47.

How do theatre people in wheelchairs typically adapt dance choreography involving leg movements?

They don’t. What are you, nuts?
Note: This answer got 'collapsed' almost immediately.  I appealed on the grounds of reality, and that the question in and of itself was insensitive to differently abled people in general.  My appeal fell on deaf ears.

Which is your favourite Albanian folk dance?

Depending on partners, my all time favorite Albanian folk dance is the i gjallë me tre mënyra. Traditional music isn’t all that hard to find, but people who really know the dance, and really understand it are a little rare. I learned it when I was a teenager (girls next door taught me), and back then everyone just sort of piled onto the dance floor. The audience would applaud and shout encouragement to their favorite people.

Now, not so much.

What professional ballet is famous for being the worst performed?

It’s hard to say, but in all likelihood it’s Swan Lake, as choreographed by an artistic dim-bulb and his assistant choreographer, who turned out to be a retired high school football coach from somewhere in Alabama (a State in the U.S.). Judging by the choreography, the choreographer likely worked in a canning factory and was laid off due to incompetence.

The university in question, and it will recognize itself here, was busy stuffing some new scandal under the carpet, and during the process was forced to replace a few people with virtual unknowns. Hence these two chowder heads are now in charge.

One of them decided it would be cute to employ a troop of Junior High girls to play a flock of swans, which might have worked with the help of Divine intervention, except that a group of elementary age girls were being taught (that’s the wrong word, but bear with me) by a bellicose, self-important behemoth who demanded a position in the production for her little darlings from some pencil pusher who was in a position to give in to her. Unfortunately, no one pushed her under a bus, and so the kids were included.

What could possibly go wrong?

Rehearsals were guaranteed to include three melt-downs, and halfway through the second week any dancer with even a tiny smidgen of talent or common sense walked off the stage. The remaining gaps got filled with dancers desperate enough to take the jobs, or who were convinced that this wasn’t really happening, that it was Candid Camera or something similar. Does anyone remember Candid Camera and Allen Funt?

Well, the show must go on. Two of the kids ended up in the Orchestra pit; one fell (or was pushed) and another was supposed to exit stage left with the rest of the birds, but suddenly lost her mind and jumped down into the pit so as to hide. Or something. Then it turned out the lead couldn’t lift the prima - she was a hefty little thing - so she kicked him in the shins and his understudy had to take over. Then things got worse.

At the end of the show - I don’t know if you’re familiar with Swan Lake, so bear with me - at the end of the show, pretty much everyone dies. To signify this, the assistant choreographer thought it would be appropriate to discharge a blunderbuss loaded with black powder. No shot, just powder. Safety and all, you see. Before anyone could stop him, he torched it off and scared the toe shoes off the swans, who screamed and ran like hell. The audience was a bit startled and jumped to their feet, and the stage was covered in a haze of gunsmoke.

And the curtain dropped.

You’ll note that I’ve omitted names here, and there’s a reason for that. Anyone who can’t guess at the reason should run for office. You’ll make a dandy politician.

So the answer to your question is: Swan Lake.
Note: I felt I was in rare form here.  We'll see how long this masterpiece lasts.


CWMartin said...

Sounds like a more entertaining SL than the norm. I was going to try to guess which one got zapped first, but you gave it away!

Old NFO said...

Interesting... And the worst I saw was performed by the Bolshoi in DC back in the 90s. Instead of a swan, they had a duck in the first act. She was replaced in the second act by the understudy...

Ed Bonderenka said...

"Then things got worse."
Wow. Good stuff!