Sunday, November 7, 2010

My Life: Emergency Rescue

Last post (here) we left Mad Jack trying to mind his own business and surround a few calories along with two fingers of Johnny Walker Black, then the phone rang.

It's Main Lady and she has some type of emergency.

"Jack, there's a bunny in my mom's front yard." Main Lady sounds a little upset, which clues me in to lay off the smart remarks - like, for instance, "How old is she?".

"Well... " I fumble around for something intelligent.

"I've never seen a bunny like this one. It's all silky brown with white markings on it." Main Lady explains.

"Okay, it's someone's pet rabbit." I search around for a way out and can't come up with anything.

If you haven't tipped to my predicament, let me enlighten you. The critter in question is in Centenarian's front yard and has been discovered by Main Lady, therefore it is now Main Lady's responsibility. Now, even without seeing the rabbit, I can tell that it's someone's pet rabbit and that it isn't going to survive outside. It doesn't have the skill set, for one thing. The temperature is against it as we're hitting the 20s during the night and the rabbit will likely freeze to death. Then there are the neighborhood felines, all of whom might find a little hossenfeffer to be a welcome addition to their otherwise bland diet. The grand finale to all this will happen the next day when Main Lady will go looking for the cute little bunny rabbit and find the raw materials for a pair of winter gloves. And then, since it was yours truly (that would be me, Mad Jack) who advised her not to worry about the bunny, and said that the owners would likely find it or the bunny would just hop along home - well, I will envy the dog his dog house is all I can say.

"Will you come over here and help me?" Main Lady asks. I note that Main Lady knows better than to ask if I'd like to help her. She asks if I would help her. Be willing, that is. What can I say? I put my car under me and head over to the Centenarian's house. Here is what I find:

Bunny Rabbit
I don't know what breed it is, but the rabbit in question was huddled in the flower garden in Centenarian's front yard, munching on the tiny white flowers. It didn't respond to activity around it in typical rabbit fashion (run like hell away from anything), although I did not try petting it or picking it up.

"What do we do with it?" asked Main Lady. "We can't just leave it out here."

'How the hell would I know and why the hell not?' I thought. Just why is this rabbit my problem? I consider things for a moment. While it is possible that the rabbit somehow escaped its hutch, it's much more likely that some parent got sick and tired of taking care of the rabbit and took it to an inhabited wooded area and dropped it off, figuring some schmuck will take it in. I discard the much more likely scenario in favor of the 'escaped pet rabbit' possibility.

"It is certainly someone's pet rabbit, and it's escaped. It's looking for it's rabbit cage." Whatever the hell a rabbit cage looks like, I fail to add. I look at Main Lady, who is buying all this.

"Do you suppose we can find the owners?" Main Lady asks me.

"I'm sure of it." I say. "The bunny can't have traveled very far. It probably came from one of the neighbor's back yards."

We pile in my car and head around the block where Main Lady considers our options. The house immediately opposite Centenarian's home is occupied by a 30 something weasel who works nights, sleeps days and used to do yard work for Centenarian and Main Lady. He ended up stealing Main Lady's new leaf blower and we haven't seen him since, and that was five or six years ago. To the right of weasel lives a family of dwarfs.  No, I'm not kidding. No, I haven't been drinking. Left of weasel is a home with several jack o' lanterns out front, two vehicles in the driveway with one being a minivan, and a basketball hoop. The garage door is up.

"Pay dirt." I say, parking in the street. We walk up and I ring the bell.

A dog sounds the call to general quarters and is joined by a second, less enthusiastic dog. The barking goes on for quite a while, then a muffled male voice commands silence and the barking stops. No one comes to the door.

"Gee, do you suppose no one is home?" Main Lady asks.

"What, with two cars in the driveway and the door open? Yes, they're home." I reply, thinking to myself 'No you don't pal. I know you're in there and you know you're in there. Now come out and see who's driving your dogs nuts.' I ring the bell again, feeling a little peeved. The dogs start up again and the barking goes on for a minute or so, then suddenly stops.

Main Lady spots the man first. He's coming out of the garage and right away I tense up a little. The man is average size, lighter than I am by several pounds, but the thing that makes me wonder what's going on is the way he acts. He acts hinky. I don't know how to describe it otherwise. His expression is wrong and he moves too quietly or something. Main Lady starts talking.

"We found someone's pet rabbit over by my mom's place, and we wondered if it belonged here. Do you have a pet rabbit?"

The guy hesitates for too long a time. "Maybe... " he finally says. "I think the girls have one."

Maybe? What kind of answer is that? We go back and forth in this vein for a while before he finally admits that the two girls have a pet rabbit that gets out sometimes, but that he doesn't want anything to do with it.

"I washed my hands of the rabbit. We have two dogs and three cats, and I think that's enough." He finishes.

"Well, can you go ask the girls if their rabbit got away?" I ask him.

He accedes, then eases back inside. Main Lady looks at me and whispers "I think it's a good thing you came with me." I just nod. I'm watching the house.

As odd as the man might be, the two girls that come squirting out the door are as normal as ever. Yes, they have a bunny rabbit and he escapes sometimes. We point to Centenarian's house on the other side of the fence and they agree to meet us there. We drive back, and find the bunny right where we left him. I go to the back yard and collect the girls, who in turn collect the bunny who's name is Rico.

Rico, I think. How about that.

Rico the Rabbit and Owner
Anyway, the kids were delighted to get him back, and the rabbit seemed happy enough. As for me, I'm thrilled to be done with the whole thing.

Hossenfeffer, I say.

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