Monday, January 29, 2018

Canada Gets Invaded

For reasons best known to my headshrinker, I accept questions from Quora in my email.  Occasionally I answer one or two, mainly for my own amusement, and mainly because questions asked on Quora are dumb - as are the associated inquisitors.

This one put me in mind of Glen Filthie, operator of Filthie's Thunderbox - Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted.   I can't say just why this association was triggered, but since I was out at Big Mike's house last night watching hockey, eating pizza, and drinking, perhaps it's just as well I move right along and get to the point for once.  At once.  Whatever.

The proposed question is: How could Canada defend itself against a hypothetical invasion by the USA?

Given that this is not one of the dumbest questions I've ever seen on Quora, I decided to decompose an answer. Here's my response, less the ad homonym attacks and personal insults based on heredity:

Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

  • Free beer. The invaders will drink it, and the hangover they get from that swill is guaranteed to kill the weak ones, and send the rest into the hospital with damage to the digestive system.

  • Brutally cold winter weather in the middle of summer. Those that didn’t succumb to the elements during winter, spring, and fall will be killed and eaten by the black flies sometime during the three days of summer.

  • The threat of electing Justin Trudeau into office. It doesn't matter which office, just the thought of Trudeau occupying an office in the government would be enough to send any sane, intelligent U.S. citizen back to Florida.  Or North Dakota.  Wherever.  Everyone who learns of this threat and remains in Canada as a part of the invasion force can stay there as part of the occupation.  Give 'em a year, and they'll be a burden to the Canadian taxpayer instead of the U.S.

And that’s how Canada would defeat a multi-trillion dollar U.S. invasion.


CWMartin said...

Or, just call in Wolverine...

Old NFO said...

Snerk... Well done, sir! :-)

Mad Jack said...

Thanks guys. I actually had a few people upvote my answer this time. Usually I get downvoted, pilloried, and censored by the moderator.

Glen Filthie said...

I dunno how to respond to that snark about our beer. While it is true that most makes are little better than goat urine - even THAT is an embarrassing improvement on American beer. Seriously, you should shoot the brewers for that crap! Back when I guzzled beer by the gallon, I brewed my own and much preferred it to that pasteurized swill being sold commercially.

And to be honest, if the Yanks in the tanks rolled up on Alberta where I live - we would roll out the red carpet! Can you pull some strings in the Whitehouse for me, Jack? Can you guys spare a few tactical nukes for Tranna in Morontario, and Mon Trail in Queerbec?


Mad Jack said...

Most American beer tastes like weasel spit. The real exceptions are various micro-breweries, which are springing up all over the place. You can get some seriously fine beer at a micro-brewer.

My parents got into brewing their own beer. I was only six years old at the time, but watching and helping them bottle the results was a lot of fun. I remember they bottled it all up on a Sunday. Well, that was the Old Man for you.

Nukes is a bit much, unless you really think it's warranted. I'm thinking we roll out the tar and feathers, more of a traditional, tried-and-true method.