Saturday, September 8, 2018

Old TV: Leave It to Beaver

Leave It To Beaver was a situation comedy that ran for 235 episodes from 1957 - 1963.  The preteen hero (Beaver) was always getting into a trivial crises by doing something so completely stupid that even a retarded ten year old wouldn't try it if you bribed him with a banana split.  Twenty minutes of canned laughter later the crises would get straightened out, and Beaver's father Ward would deliver a homiletic reprimand while the rest of the family suffered his didactic pontification in silence.  Occasionally Wally would beg for surcease, which served to drag the episode out.

Well, time passes as time is wont to do, and a while back someone asked me -

Whatever the fuck happened to June and Ward?

Wally, Eddie and Lumpy went off to college at Kent State in Ohio. Lumpy flunked out in 1965, served three tours of duty in Vietnam, and now has a hot Vietnamese wife and three over achieving children. He acts like he's happy.

Eddie graduated with a bachelors degree in marketing, enlisted in the Navy, and after two years was discharged for conduct unbecoming an officer (General under Honorable).  He's on his third marriage and works as Vice President of Claims Adjustment for the Prudential Insurance Company.  He's counting on Social Security, alimony being what it is.

Wally decided to remain at Kent State and pursue a doctorate in Clinical Psychology.  Sadly and tragically, on May 4, 1970, Wally caught a 30 caliber ricochet in his frontal lobe and is now a ward of the State of Ohio.  Former friends and family say he's happy most of the time.

Ward and June Cleaver divorced soon after an unfortunate incident involving Eddie Haskel and June Cleaver being caught in flagrante delicto in Ward's den.  June now lives in an efficiency apartment in downtown Detroit; Ward's whereabouts are generally unknown, although it's supposed that he's living at home with his mother.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver came out of the closet in 1969.  After spending a brief time in Canada, he relocated to San Francisco where he's now a successful commercial artist.  He shares a modest home with his longtime boyhood chum, Gilbert Gates.  Gilbert works in the entertainment industry as the famous female impersonator Gee-Gee Dingbat.  Both men are active in the gay rights movement.


Glen Filthie said...

Is that true?

And second question: is EVERYBODY fucked? Does anybody have a normal family?

CWMartin said...

I'll go with Glen's second question, but that was a pretty good "Cleavers cleaved" scenario.

Mad Jack said...

What do you mean, is it true? You read it on the Internet, and you that legally I couldn't say it if it wasn't true.

As far as a normal we're-not-all-fucked family, the Lump is pretty much as good as it gets.

Bob G. said...

Mad Jack:
Okay, after reading ALL this, I'm scared to ask what happened to BACHEKLOR FATHER...
And yes, everyone IS effed up.
Folks like US are just effed because of the others being the way THEY are.

Stay safe.