Thursday, April 5, 2018

Joke Time! Not PC, Not Safe for Work

A Day Without Political Correctness
How about let's piss off everyone and give political correctness a day off?

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, an ear of corn and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and told me, 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.’

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait'. I said, 'don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually.'

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black.'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'Fat chance with a face like that!’

A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'what'swrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me uncle died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' the man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No thanks mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself... 'I'm grabbing that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, ‘Where am I?’The farmer looks back up and shouts back, ‘You're in a basket you dumb ass!’

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at the church social the other night until I got the last question wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair?”Apparently, Fiji was the correct answer. My wife said we can never go back to that church.

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.


CWMartin said...

Two things: First, I think I understand why I laughed as I watched the first two episodes of the Roseanne reboot last night.

Second: At my work, my lead guy has two clipboards that keep track of our efficiency by some arcane method. I believe their real "function" is for the plant manager to have something official looking to show visiting bigwigs, to imply we're keeping a tight reign on performance. The maintenance guy gave me a paper the other day that had your closing line about pissing everyone off. Guess where I hung it? I guess we'll see someday if it works or not.

Bob G. said...

Mad Jack:
---Aw my God...this stuff is SO damn funny!
(and I didn't drink a drop while reading it...I prefer my keyboard to be DRY (like martinis).

Excellent smile-session. Thanks for getting my weekend off to a good start.

Stay safe (and jocular) out there.

Ed Bonderenka said...

"I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!"
Another reason to thank God for bacon.

Samuel Patterson said...

Yes, I’m Back, but there is something that I would like to suggest to ALL my fellow blogers.
Please disconcert the portion in your profile that calls for the Verification of the commentor by asking to click on Cars, Bus’es, Store Fronts, Street Sighs, or whatever.
This gets people very frustrated and makes then Not Want To Post On Your Blog at all.
I’m sure that you know what I mean. So kindly do it and I will do so in return
Thank You

Mad Jack said...

Thanks guys. I appreciate the kind words.

Claws: I'll look for the setting. It irritates me as well, since I have to navigate the stupid thing before I can respond.