Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Noisy Neighbor Problems Part 2

We just finished a meeting of the HOA Board of Directors, which turned into a civilized version of the Mississippi Free For All!

Our HOA Board of (mis)Directors:

  • Madame President, Retired school teacher and Lady of all Herself surveys.
  • Mortimer, the next door neighbor who has to put up with Tyrone
  • HiFlyer, a Chaplin by profession and an irritant by nature
  • Ms. Sanity, A generally quiet, intelligent woman that I'd like to get to know better
  • Little QT, A small, very quiet woman who doesn't want to piss anyone off. She thinks Tyrone is Trouble, with a capital Tee.
  • Fencepost, lives next to Tyrone and is so deaf she wouldn't hear an atomic explosion at 3:00 AM. She likes Tyrone and is outspoken about it. I think she may be having Mandingo fantasies.

Present at the Board of Directors Executive Session (Mister Fuckup's words, not mine) were also:

  • Mister Fuckup, the property manager who I trust about as far as I can piss into the wind. He's an ex-cop, and after talking to him for a while I understand why he's an EX-cop.
  • Guest One, a black lady who lives near Tyrone and is also disturbed by Tyrone's activities.

Prior to the official start of the meeting, Mister Fuckup asked Madame President if she'd managed to get a Columbus PD Officer to be present during the meeting.  She said that she tried, but the PD made no promises.  All of these people are over 65, and out of all them I'm the most physically fit. Think about that for a second.

For reasons best known to Herself, Mister Fuckup (MF for short) called the meeting to order.  The asshole then read the previous minutes, which as usual were screwed up. HiFlyer made a motion to skip the usual folderol and get right to the point.  Or words to that effect.  Someone seconded, and there was a resounding Yea from everyone except Fencepost, who can't hear what's going on and wouldn't understand most of it if she could.

Mister Fuckup started in by lying about Mortimer. By the third blatant lie in as many breaths, I'd had enough and spoke up.

"That just isn't true."

Then the name calling and finger pointing contest started, and I'll give old Mort credit. When Mister Fuckup accused him of being a racist, Mort lit into him like a pissed off Doberman after a food-stealing alley cat.

I won't bore everyone with the details, but after being harangued and harassed by Mort and I, The Board blinked. The Ms. Sanity spoke up.

"What is clear to me is that Tyrone does not fit the local demographic. We're a quiet, sedate neighborhood. He is not. He doesn't fit in here."

What followed was another, more sedate version of the traditional finger pointing, name calling contest that everyone over 25 has been a part of since fire was invented. At the end of the day, Ms. Sanity repeated herself.

Mister Fuckup asked Mort what he wanted to see happen. Most said, "Fine 'em. Hit 'em where it hurts."

They were reluctant.  Mort insisted.  At the end of the day the board agreed, very reluctantly, to fine Tyrone's parents (who actually own the place) and Mort agreed to contact the local Persecutor to see what else could be done.

Then yours truly asked a question of Madame President: Is Tyrone mentally ill?

She prevaricated, giggled, and almost lied.  I rescued her.

"Okay, that means 'yes'.  Now, what's he been diagnosed with?  Is he schizophrenic?"

That precipitated more prevarication and tap dancing, so I quietly took it as another affirmative.

Now we'll see what happens.

As for me, I'm going to get Mort a DB meter, tell him to set up his camera to display the date-time, and when it happens again, get some digital evidence.  All he needs is a few photos of the DB meter and the location in the background.

Now here's the kicker.  Please pay attention to this one.

Mortimer and Persephone, who live next door to Tyrone, are fairly timid folks.  They don't own guns, and I believe they're afraid of firearms.  They're also afraid of Tyrone, so much so that they won't drive into their own driveway if he's outside pretending to be busy on something.

Knowing this, right after the meeting as we're all walking across the parking lot, Mister Fuckup eases up to Mort and says that he's heard Tyrone is trying to buy a gun.

Do you believe this shit?

Mort had the presence of mind to ask MF how he knew this, and MF wouldn't answer.  Mort called and told me about it, and I told him that MF was full of shit.  This is the kind of asshole that MF is.

Now, I have an Ohio CCW license, and I carry my pistol as I see fit.  I think MF is full of shit, but... I'm packing.  I think I'll invest in a little bear repellent or pepper spray, you know, just in case.

I looked up Tyrone on the Franklin County Persecutor's site today, and he's got a nice record of misdemeanors including menacing.  He used to live with his parents, but they bought him this place so they wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.

Stay tuned for more drama from Columbus, Ohio, where every day's a holiday, every meal's a picnic, and happy hour starts at 1:00.


Grog said...

A shame there weren't tickets being sold for that circus or that it
was being recorded, I would have paid to watch just for the amusement factor.

Andrew said...

Thanks for passing all our suggestions along to Mortimer and Persephone. Hope they follow up and get enough dirt on Tyrone to fix the problem.

Bear or Wasp spray, Mort and Pers might consider the same. They're 'non-lethal' devices that can at least give the couple a chance to escape.

Sounds like Tyrone's parents are part of the problem, in their own NIMBY way.

You could probably subsidize your ammo habit by selling popcorn at the next HOA.

I live in an apartment complex where something similar also happened. Parents get year-long lease for their daughter, she sub-leases apartment to Mr. Smuck and pockets the change while living with baby-daddy. Drama-Llama regularly visits, unfortunately usually after the site manager leaves for the day. 1 more month on the lease, and SM isn't renewing, thank God.

Bob G. said...

Mad Jack:
---I have to applaud your efforts (and those who feel likewise.
---This is not a "racial" issue, but all to often (and conveniently) we see the damn race card being played.
Good deal w/ Mort and the DB meter...get PROOF of the (c)rap "music".
---It's a case of what Ms Sanity said - he does not fit into the demographic for the area...he's NOT quiet and assaults the quiet repose of everyone living nearby.
---No wonder his folks gave him the boot (and the condo).
But, there are always CONSEQUENCES to ANY actions...
Maybe Tyrone and his parents might want to look into THAT.
(be willing to guess that ANY firearm Tyrone manages to get will be illegal...then maybe you can report him for THAT, too)

Good post and comments.

Stay safe (and vigilant) out there.

CWMartin said...

I wish to God that people these days could call an asshole an asshole without worrying what color asshole they were referencing. Perhaps a forwarding of the meeting minutes to the parents of Tyrone might be appropriate.

Glen Filthie said...

Shoot, shovel, and shut up.

Old NFO said...

Yep, when all else fails, SSS...

Mad Jack said...

Guys, guys! Don't you men know that SSS is against the law? I'm no murderer, and would never take up a firearm except in self-defense.


Sounds like Tyrone's parents are part of the problem, in their own NIMBY way.

They are. I looked up Tyrone's criminal record on line, and he's got a whole string of priors that indicate a crap lifestyle. All of these are misdemeanors except for the felony drug bust, which turned out to be user weight. The rest of it is obstruction, menacing, traffic violations - real crap. Criminal records indicate his prior address was with Mom and Dad. They probably got sick of him and his BS and got him a new place to live - Tyrone doesn't work, so the parents bought it. Tyrone's condo sold for about $45,000, and the monthly fees are $160. So, for a mortgage payment of $300 and a condo fee of $160, Tyrone could be someone else's problem.

I gather there was a meeting between Tyrone's parents, Mortimer and Persephone, the property manager and the HOA board of directors (AKA the Fuckup Factory) some time back. Mort recorded it, and I'm betting he made that recording without anyone knowing it. Tyrone's father just sat and listened while his mother argued about her poor little choir boy being the victim of racial injustice, prejudice, and being born under a bad sign. The second she played the race card the board of directors backed off. They should have attacked, but naturally they didn't.

The problem is ongoing. I'll post further developments as they happen.