Quora Question: If I leave work early...

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Some nameless pinhead on Quora asked: If I leave work early, come home, find an intruder in my house, kill him, and he turns out to be my wife’s lover, who she let in the house, would I go to prison?

My answer:



In the U.S., it depends on the story you feed the cops. For instance…

You come home, you hear your wife screaming from the bedroom. You go in and find the old ball and chain playing hide the salami with some guy. Clearly she’s being raped, so you pull your gat and ding him. Okay, now he’s dead. Try to get the old lady to stop having hysterics, call your lawyer, then call the cops. Wait until your lawyer arrives and see if the cops buy your story over hers. Should it come down to a jury trial, I’m betting you’ll be convicted. But maybe not.

Or, you come home, you hear your wife screaming from the bedroom. You go in and find the old ball and chain playing hide the salami with some guy. You pull your gat and ding him. Again, calm the old lady down, call your lawyer, call the cops. When your lawyer gets there you say that you surprised the two, he charged you and you dinged him. If the cops buy it, you’ll walk. If they don’t, you’ll still walk, but it will be to jail. The odds at trial are a little better in this case.

Or, let’s say you come home, you hear noise from the bedroom. You tip-toe in and find the love of your life in flagrante delicto with some other guy. You tip-toe back to the kitchen, pull your gat, and yell, “Honey, I’m home!” You walk noisily to the bedroom (you’ll hear a bunch of squawks and stage whispers), and you tell Romeo to suck the carpet. Or else. As soon as he faces you, you ding him. Your story is that you gave him a chance to surrender, but he attacked you instead. Again, try and get the old lady calmed down, call your lawyer, then call the police. When your lawyer arrives, tell him the story. The cops will likely buy it, and you’ll walk. So yeah, you’ll get away with it.

Whatever you do, call your lawyer and don’t say anything to anyone until your lawyer arrives. The cops will try and get you to talk. Don’t. Just keep repeating that you want your lawyer.

Keep in mind that in the United States, everyone is going downtown until this whole thing gets sorted out to the satisfaction of the local law enforcement. They’ll shake your house, comment on anything they find (like, for instance, marital aids or personal pictures), ransack everything in site and generally tear the place up. They’ll break things. They may even steal things. Your house is a crime scene, so even if you aren’t a guest of the State for the night you’ll need a place to stay. And given what your Old Lady is going to be telling them, you’ll probably get locked up. The good news is that if you wait for your attorney, you’ll very likely walk.

And the guy you dinged? He’ll have family, they’ll want revenge. Pack your gat with you at all times and be aware of your surroundings. When you can, relocate to another part of the country. See if you can file a civil suit against the dead man’s estate, which you might win.

Good luck with this.