Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Quora Question: If I leave work early...

It gets better. Trust me.

Some nameless pinhead on Quora asked: If I leave work early, come home, find an intruder in my house, kill him, and he turns out to be my wife’s lover, who she let in the house, would I go to prison?

My answer:

In the U.S., it depends on the story you feed the cops. For instance…

You come home, you hear your wife screaming from the bedroom. You go in and find the old ball and chain playing hide the salami with some guy. Clearly she’s being raped, so you pull your gat and ding him. Okay, now he’s dead. Try to get the old lady to stop having hysterics, call your lawyer, then call the cops. Wait until your lawyer arrives and see if the cops buy your story over hers. Should it come down to a jury trial, I’m betting you’ll be convicted. But maybe not.

Or, you come home, you hear your wife screaming from the bedroom. You go in and find the old ball and chain playing hide the salami with some guy. You pull your gat and ding him. Again, calm the old lady down, call your lawyer, call the cops. When your lawyer gets there you say that you surprised the two, he charged you and you dinged him. If the cops buy it, you’ll walk. If they don’t, you’ll still walk, but it will be to jail. The odds at trial are a little better in this case.

Or, let’s say you come home, you hear noise from the bedroom. You tip-toe in and find the love of your life in flagrante delicto with some other guy. You tip-toe back to the kitchen, pull your gat, and yell, “Honey, I’m home!” You walk noisily to the bedroom (you’ll hear a bunch of squawks and stage whispers), and you tell Romeo to suck the carpet. Or else. As soon as he faces you, you ding him. Your story is that you gave him a chance to surrender, but he attacked you instead. Again, try and get the old lady calmed down, call your lawyer, then call the police. When your lawyer arrives, tell him the story. The cops will likely buy it, and you’ll walk. So yeah, you’ll get away with it.

Whatever you do, call your lawyer and don’t say anything to anyone until your lawyer arrives. The cops will try and get you to talk. Don’t. Just keep repeating that you want your lawyer.

Keep in mind that in the United States, everyone is going downtown until this whole thing gets sorted out to the satisfaction of the local law enforcement. They’ll shake your house, comment on anything they find (like, for instance, marital aids or personal pictures), ransack everything in site and generally tear the place up. They’ll break things. They may even steal things. Your house is a crime scene, so even if you aren’t a guest of the State for the night you’ll need a place to stay. And given what your Old Lady is going to be telling them, you’ll probably get locked up. The good news is that if you wait for your attorney, you’ll very likely walk.

And the guy you dinged? He’ll have family, they’ll want revenge. Pack your gat with you at all times and be aware of your surroundings. When you can, relocate to another part of the country. See if you can file a civil suit against the dead man’s estate, which you might win.

Good luck with this.


Anonymous said...

What does his wife say to the cops? If her story is not close to yours you are most likely going to prison.

CWMartin said...

Or you could shoot both and then yourself, everyone gets off, one way or another...

Andrew said...

Better yet, just get a damned good lawyer and bail, bail, bail. Keep your elbows in as you eject from that marriage. Pray you have a good, iron-clad prenuptual or expect to pay for the rest of your miserable life.

If you do shoot, don't speak until your lawyer says you can. Speak in short, monosyllabic words that are easy to remember. Never say anything within 500 yards of a police building, as they will find ways to monitor you and record every vocal emission you make. In fact, never speak of any of this to anyone, as someone will be a formal or informal informant. In this case, no matter what you do, you as a legal gun owner are going to be the 'Bad Guy' according to the State. Even if the guy schlonging your soon-to-be-ex-wife was actually raping her. Legal gun owner equals EVIL BAD DUDE to most authorities, like State or District Attorneys who know LGOs are easy targets for convictions (real bad dudes always seem to get the good lawyers for some reason.)

If your gun is illegal, just say you're a closet member of MS-13 or some other dirtbag organization and you'll be treated with kid gloves... No. Not really. You're still hosed.

There is no other viable solution to stay out of the pokey than to bail on the relationship and hope she doesn't get everything you'll ever make in the divorce settlement, because failure to pay gets more guys in prison than murder or manslaughter.

Okay, other choice? Live in the country and effectively shoot her and him and shovel (and cleanup) and shut up. Wife? She's missing...

Seriously. Nothing you can do other than bend over and take it will not result in a possibility of going to prison (unless you have one damned good pre-nuptial and one damned good lawyer or lawfirm behind you.)

These days being a responsible man means no-one is on your side. Unless you are lucky enough to find a woman who won't screw you over and you don't screw her over.

Bob G. said...

Mad Jack:
---Can't say I EVER found myself in such a situation, but I do agree with you as well s you commenters.
GET A LAWYER (first) after you cap the S.O.B.
My more macabre thoughts run along these lines...take 'em both out (not to dinner, either), plant a "seed" gun that can't be traced to you in ANY way, and then tell the po-po you came home and found it all like this...
(maybe not a perfect crime, but way better than a lousy one.)
Oh, and make sure you DO NOT have a conscience...(very important).

Roll safe out there.

Mad Jack said...

Harp: Her story? Well, after she calms down, I'm thinking that it's going to be a bit different than the shooters. But hey, what do I know?

CW: True, true, but it's a bit extreme.

Anonymous: Shoot, shovel, shut up. Unless you have a boat and access to the ocean, in which case you all go for a little boat ride. The wife? I've been worried sick, but so far no one's been able to find her. The more I think about being rid of the old ball and chain, the mother-in-law, the threat of losing half of everything I own... good thing I'm not married!

BobG: Yep. Have your lawyer's middle of the night emergency number, and a back up in case he's on vacation. It likely will never come to needing it, but you really never know. Another thing, put the gun someplace in plain sight so the cops can find it, and do not admit to anything, especially ownership. The cops have to prove all that.