Film Review: Dunkirk (2017)

Film Review: Dunkirk (2017)

Trigger Warning: No spoilers ahead.  The safety is on, so it can't go off.  See?

Film Review: Bernie

Main Lady opted for pizza and a movie last night.  Naturally I was the one who got elected to pick out the movie, which means that if I get something I'd like to watch she'll whine that it's too violent for her and go out into the other room and sulk.  If I get something I think she would like to watch, it's guaranteed to be so boring that I may well fall asleep.  Then there will be a discussion of the film later on during which I'll encourage her to talk and keep my own opinions to myself.  This is more difficult that you might think, given that I'm supposed to have watched the film and been as enthralled by it as she is.

Anyway, I lucked out and rented the film Bernie, and I'm here to tell you that if you haven't seen Bernie, go rent it and watch the entire thing - and do not skip the credits.  The credits are the best part.  Keep reading for the links and lowdown, without spoilers.

Film Review: A Better Life (2011)

A Better Life

Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 98 min
Genre: Drama


Tomato Meter: 85%

Cast
Cast overview, first billed only:

Demián Bichir as Carlos Galindo (Our Hero!)
Eddie 'Piolin' Sotelo as Himself (Our Cameo Celebrity!)
Joaquín Cosio as Blasco Martinez (Our Important Character!)
José Julián as Luis Galindo (Our Hero's Loyal Son!)
Nancy Lenehan as Mrs. Donnely (Our Pretty Much A Nobody!)
Gabriel Chavarria as Ramon (Our Other Latin!)
Bobby Soto as Facundo (Our Other Latin!)
Chelsea Rendon as Ruthie Valdez (Our Hot Latino Gang Banger Girl!)
Trampas Thompson as School Security Officer (Our School Security Officer, Without Whom The School Would Be Insecure!)
Tim Griffin as Juvie Officer (Our Authority Figure)
Valorie Hubbard as School Secretary (Our - what? She's playing a school secretary.)
Dolores Heredia as Anita (Our Other Heroine!)
Isabella Rae Thomas as Linda (Our Other Important Part!)
Carlos Linares as Santiago (Our Nasty Hombre!)
Robert Peters as Truck Driver (Our Truck Driver!)

If you're looking for a film that you can watch without getting bored out of your mind and that will make your girlfriend tear up and get pissed off at the world, well... this is as close as you're going to get.  Keep reading to find out why, without spoilers.

Film Review: The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Rated: R
Running Time: 95 min
Genre: Horror | Thriller

Tomato Meter: 92%

Cast overview, first billed only:
Kristen Connolly as Dana (Virginal Hottie!)
Chris Hemsworth as Curt (Our Hero!)
Anna Hutchison as Jules (Our Hottie!)
Fran Kranz as Marty (Our Other Other Hero or Something!)
Jesse Williams as Holden (Our Other Hero!)
Richard Jenkins as Sitterson (Mad Scientist Number One)
Bradley Whitford as Hadley (Mad Scientist Number Two)
Brian White as Truman (Resident Hunchback)
Amy Acker as Lin (Another Bad Person)
Tim De Zarn as Mordecai (Frightening)
Tom Lenk as Ronald The Intern (Our Intern!  Whom no one will miss when he dies.)
Dan Payne as Mathew Buckner (Buckner Clan - Dangerous!)
Jodelle Ferland as Patience Buckner (Buckner Clan - Dangerous!)
Dan Shea as Father Buckner (Buckner Clan - Dangerous!)
Maya Massar as Mother Buckner (Buckner Clan - Dangerous!)
Naomi Dane as Japanese Floaty Girl (okay... this is hard to explain.  See for yourself.)
Ellie Harvie as Military Liaison (background extra)
Patrick Gilmore as Werewolf Wrangler (Our Werewolf Wrangler!)
Brad Dryborough as Chem Department Guy (Some Other Guy - I think he dies or something)

The things you have to know and understand about this film is that the title is a little unfortunate, it isn't a slasher film like some people claim, and that it was written and produced by Joss Whedon.  This is the same Joss Whedon that created Serenity, Firefly and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This film has Whedon's fingerprints all over it and it's his finest effort to date. Here's why, without spoilers.

Film Review: The Woman in Black (2012)

The Woman in Black (2012)
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 95 Min
Genre: Drama | Horror | Thriller

Tomato Meter: 64%

Cast overview, first billed only:
Emma Shorey as Fisher Girl (Necessary Child)
Molly Harmon as Fisher Girl (who starred in the immemorial film Kitten in a Cat Trap)
Molly Harmon as Fisher Girl (don't blame me, IMDB lists her twice)
Sophie Stuckey as Stella Kipps (Our Hero's wife or something)
Daniel Radcliffe as Arthur Kipps (Our Hero!)
Misha Handley as Joseph Kipps (Our Her's Young Son)
Jessica Raine as Nanny (Our Hero's Nanny)
Roger Allam as Mr. Bentley (Possibly a central plot character, possibly not)
Lucy May Barker as Nursemaid (Forgetabble)
Indira Ainger as Little Girl on Train (Little Girl on Train. What? That's what she is.)
Andy Robb as Doctor (Eh.)
Ciarán Hinds as Daily (Our Hero's Sidekick or Something)
Shaun Dooley as Fisher (Another Fisher)
Mary Stockley as Mrs. Fisher (Some other kind of Fisher)
Alexia Osborne as Victoria Hardy (Ah... don't remember)

If you're in the mood for a good old Hammer style horror film, then go see The Woman in Black and you won't be disappointed.  If not, then go see One for the Money or some other piece of vacuous tripe and free up a seat for the rest of the world.

Keep reading for my considered opinion on The Woman in Black, without spoilers.

Film Review: Immortals (2011)

Immortals (2011)
Rated: R
Running Time: 109 Minutes
Genre(s): Action, Drama, Fantasy

Cast overview, first billed only:
Henry Cavill as Theseus (Our Hero!)
Mickey Rourke as King Hyperion (Our Villain!)
Stephen Dorff as Stavros (Another Villain)
Freida Pinto as Phaedra (Our Virginal Crystal Ball)
Luke Evans as Zeus (Need you ask?)
John Hurt as Old Man (Zeus in Disguise)
Joseph Morgan as Lysander (Our Traitorous Villain)
Anne Day-Jones as Aethra (Hottie)
Greg Bryk as The Monk (Minor Ally to Our Hero!)
Alan Van Sprang as Dareios (Wimp)
Peter Stebbings as Helios (Greek God of Something)
Daniel Sharman as Aries (Actor paid to wear a funny hat that won't stay on)
Isabel Lucas as Athena (Hottie and Goddess)
Kellan Lutz as Poseidon (Divine Water Boy)
Steve Byers as Heracles (or Hercules. Divine Manual Laborer, infamous for completing the following contracts on schedule and arguably under budget:
1) Kill the Nemean Lion
2) Kill the Hydra
3) Capture the Cerynean Stag
4) Cage the Erymanthian Boar
5) Clean the Augean Stables
6) Kill the Stymphalian Birds
7) Claim the Mares of Diomedes
8) Pen the Cretan Bull
9) Seize the girdle of the Amazon Hippolyte
10) Take Geryon's cattle
11) Fetch the golden apples of the Hesperides
12) Impound Cerberus, the hound of hell)

I went to see Immortals late last night. I was restive and the film sounded promising, but so does a genuine $25,000 Rolex watch that you can buy anywhere in New York city for only $20.  I was disappointed, and here's why without spoilers.

Film Review: In Time

In Time (2011)
Rated: PG 13
Running Time: 109 min
Geners: Action | Sci-Fi | Thriller

Cast
Justin Timberlake as Will Salas (Our Hero!)
Olivia Wilde as Rachel Salas (Our Hero's Mother!)
Shyloh Oostwald as Maya
Johnny Galecki as Borel
Colin McGurk as Citizen
Will Harris as Ulysse
Michael William Freeman as Nardin
Jesse Lee Soffer as Webb
Aaron Perilo as Bell
Nick Lashaway as Ekman
William Peltz as Pierre
Ray Santiago as Victa
Matt Bomer as Henry Hamilton
Zuleyka Silver as Pasha
Laura Ashley Samuels as Sagita
Amanda Seyfried as Sylvia Weis (Our Heroine!)
Vincent Kartheiser as Philippe Weis (Our Evil Villain)
Cillian Murphy as The Timekeeper (Our Corrupt Villain)
and a host of others, all of whom are out of time.

I enjoy science fiction, both reading and in film.  What I don't like is bad sci-fi, and while In Time doesn't really qualify as bad, it comes pretty close to the bottom in places and I'm not sure it completely decompresses when it starts to surface.  Here's why, without spoilers.

Film Review: Killer Elite (2011)

Killer Elite (2011)
Rated: R
Running Time: 105 min
Genres: Action | Thriller

Cast
Jason Statham as Danny (Our Hero)
Clive Owen as Spike (Primary Villian)
Robert De Niro as Hunter (Our Hero's Hero)
Dominic Purcell as Davies
Aden Young as Meier
Yvonne Strahovski as Anne
Ben Mendelsohn as Martin
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Agent
David Whiteley as MI6 Man
Matthew Nable as Pennock
Lachy Hulme as Harris
Firass Dirani as Bakhait
Nick Tate as Commander B
Bille Brown as Colonel Fitz
Stewart Morritt as Campbell
and a host of others who are generally inimical to Our Hero and his Friends.

I wanted to see this action film because I was in the mood for something that did not require a lot of thinking, that had things blowing up with a nice, loud bang and might have naked women in it. This film satisfies the parameters pretty well, but there's an added attraction that made me glad I went to see it; It's based on a true story. Just how true is up for debate, but after reading about the author I'm inclined to read the book and decide for myself.  Here's a film review without spoilers.

Film Review: Contagion (2011)

Film Review: Contagion (2011)
Contagion (2011)
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 106 min
Genres: Drama | Sci-Fi | Thriller

Cast
Gwyneth Paltrow as Beth Emhoff (who dies early)
Tien You Chui as Li Fai (this is the same Tien You Chui who played Officer James Shum in La lingerie and who also played Goh Keung in The Haunted School. Who knew?)
Josie Ho as Li Fai's Sister (Josie Ho! Need I write more?)
Daria Strokous as Irina
Matt Damon as Mitch Emhoff
Monique Gabriela Curnen as Lorraine Vasquez
Griffin Kane as Clark Morrow
Yoshiaki Kobayashi as Japanese Bus Man (finally, after years of directing and abusing actors in the name of art, it is now Yoshiaki's turn in the barrel)
Laurence Fishburne as Dr. Ellis Cheever
John Hawkes as Roger
Jude Law as Alan Krumwiede
Teri McEvoy as School Nurse
Sue Redman as ER Nurse #1
Teri Campbell as ER Nurse #2
Stef Tovar as Dr. Arrington
and a host of others, most of whom die off during the film.

I saw Contagion a few days ago and since then I've gone through three bottles of hand sanitizer and invested in one gross of Latex surgical gloves. If you are interested in developing a good case of mysophobia and a high probability of moving on up to full blown obbsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), then I can highly reccommend this film as a good beginning. Here's why, without spoilers.

Film Review: Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2011)

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2011)
Rated: R
Running Time: 99 min
Genres: Horror | Thriller

Cast
Bruce Gleeson as Buggy Driver (Our Buggy Driver)
Edwina Ritchard as Housekeeper (Our Helpful Extra)
Garry McDonald as Blackwood (No Good Local Crazy, Deceased)
Bailee Madison as Sally (Our Heroine)
Katie Holmes as Kim (Our Hero's New Girlfriend/Wife)
Guy Pearce as Alex (Our Hero)
Carolyn Shakespeare-Allen as Airport Cart Driver
Jack Thompson as HarrisJulia Blake as Mrs. Underhill
David Tocci as Workman
Lance Drisdale as Policeman
Nicholas Bell as Psychiatrist
Libby Gott as Nurse
James Mackay as Librarian
Emelia Burns as Caterer
...and a host of others, all of whom should have been killed off but none of whom were.

This is one of the good old straightforward horror movies, no more, no less.  People do stupid stuff like split up and investigate on their own, the monsters are good performers and the grand finale is fairly predictable.  That doesn't make for a bad film; it just doesn't make a new, innovative and interesting film. Still, the film has some good scenes, it manages to build suspense in all the right places and the pacing is good. Here's the good and the bad, without spoilers.

Film Review: The Help (2011)

The Help (2011)
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 146 min
Genres: Drama

Starring:
Emma Stone as Eugenia 'Skeeter' Phelan (Our Main Heroine)
Viola Davis as Aibileen Clark (Heroine)
Bryce Dallas Howard as Hilly Holbrook
Octavia Spencer as Minny Jackson (Heroine)
Jessica Chastain as Celia Foote (Another Heroine, but Red Hot and Drunk)
Ahna O'Reilly as Elizabeth Leefolt
Allison Janney as Charlotte Phelan
Anna Camp as Jolene French
Eleanor Henry as Mae Mobley
Emma Henry as Mae Mobley
Chris Lowell as Stuart Whitworth
Cicely Tyson as Constantine Jefferson
Mike Vogel as Johnny Foote
Sissy Spacek as Missus Walters
Brian Kerwin as Robert Phelan

I took Mom and Main Lady out to see The Help last Saturday night, and it was the smartest money I'll spend on a film this year. As usual, Roger Ebert disagrees with me, but I think his discomfort is due to some preternatural sense of guilt over his being a white, wealthy celebrity whose feelings are catalyzed by a dysfunctional digestive tract.  How do you like that, Roger?  (I'm thinking of retitling my film reviews as Roger 'n Me, but I'm afraid of lawsuits.)  Enough.  Here's my opinion, without spoilers.

Film Review: Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Rated: R
Running Time: 112 min
Genres: Action | Adventure | Fantasy

Starring:
Jason Momoa as Conan (Our Hero)
Stephen Lang as Khalar Zym (Our Villain)
Rachel Nichols as Tamara (Our Heroine)
Ron Perlman as Corin (Our Hero's Father)
Rose McGowan as Marique (Our Villainess)
Leo Howard as Young Conan (Our Hero as a Boy)
and a host of others.

I watched both Conan and Fright Night the same day, and I saw Conan first.  Like Fright Night, I was undecided as to whether or not I should spend my money to put up with the rude commercials and ruder audience found in any theater these days just to watch a multimillion dollar turkey, but it was a week day matinee and besides, Roger Ebert gave it a bad review.  I was glad I went, and here's why (without spoilers).

Film Review: Fright Night (2011)

Fright Night (2011)

Rated: R
Running Time: 106 min
Genres: Comedy | Horror

Starring:
Anton Yelchin as Charley Brewster (Our Hero)
Colin Farrell as Jerry (The Villian)
Toni Collette as Jane Brewster (Our Hero's Mom)
David Tennant as Peter Vincent (Our Hero's Reluctant Sidekick)
Imogen Poots as Amy (Our Heroine and The Girl)
Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Ed (An Unfortunate Casualty)
along with Dave Franco, Reid Ewing, Will Denton, Sandra Vergara, Emily Montague, Chris Sarandon, Grace Phipps, Chelsea Tavares and a bunch of other people who are easily interchangeable for unknown actors who would give three years off the back of their life for the part, but who were passed over in favor of these people.

I saw the original Fright Night back in 1985 and liked it, so I was reluctant to see this one.  I was bored today and so decided to watch and write a review.  Here's my own not so humble opinion in several hundred words or less without spoilers.

Film Review: Limitless

Limitless
Rated: PG 13
Running Time: 105 min
Genres: Mystery | Thriller

Starring:

Bradley Cooper as Eddie Morra
Robert De Niro as Carl Van Loon
Abbie Cornish as Lindy
Andrew Howard as Gennady
Anna Friel as Melissa
Johnny Whitworth as Vernon
Tomas Arana as Man in Tan Coat
Robert John Burke as Pierce
Darren Goldstein as Kevin Doyle
Ned Eisenberg as Morris Brandt
T.V. Carpio as Valerie
Richard Bekins as Hank Atwood

I want a new drug
One that won't make me sick
One that won't make me crash my car
Or make me feel three feet thick
 - Huey Lewis And The News


Watching The Lincoln Lawyer put me in the mood to see another film, and since I'd seen the previews for this one somewhere and it didn't look too awful bad, I thought I might roll the dice again. Turns out I pick better films than I do ponies. I'm writing this review with a few spoilers, but I will not spoil the finish.

I took in the Tuesday night 9:20 PM show at a local theater attached to a shopping mall (Westfield Franklin Park Mall if it matters, and I don't think it does). I picked the week day late show because I thought the crowd would be sparse. Fat chance. As soon as I walked into the theater I considered walking out again. The place was packed with people who do not have to get up for work tomorrow morning. They understand such terms as vitamin b-40, deuce deuce and can use the word shizzle in a sentence without having to think about it. They put their feet up on the seats in front of them. Talking on their cell phone and carrying on a normal conversation during a movie is normal behavior for these people. Truly, they do not understand the value of a quiet theater. The alternative to Limitless is Red Riding Hood, and I'm just not in the mood for a werewolf movie. I remained seated, resolving to tough it out.

The plot for Limitless involves a writer who accepted an advance that, like most writers who are foolish enough to do such things, he should have declined. Now Ernest Hemingway has a bad case of writer's block and associated disorders such as alcohol abuse, and it looks like someone else will win the Pulitzer this year. Next year isn't looking too good either. Then his girlfriend kicks him to the curb.

In a scene reminiscent of something out of Alice in Wonderland, Our Hero is ambulating down the sidewalk and runs into the Mad Hatter, who invites him to the tea party where he is given a little pill with some fairly simple instructions: Eat me! And he does, mainly because if he doesn't there will be no film.

Now think: If a pot smoking total waste of space that you used to know and haven't seen in over ten years bumps into you on the sidewalk and hands you some story about working for a huge pharmaceutical company and gives you a free sample of something that is due to go on the market in a year or two with a somewhat cavalier explanation about FDA approval and brain receptors, would you actually swallow any of this? No? Me neither.

Turns out the little pill jumps Our Hero's IQ from a very shaky 105 to about 200. "Red hot damn on a Saturday night!", says Our Hero. "I gotta get me some more of this mental go go juice!" And he does. Now naturally since one pill is good, five may be better, and so it's down the hatch and off we go to conquer the world with an IQ of about eight zillion. All this happens in the first 30 minutes of the film, so having got down to business the filmmaker has to stay there or risk failure. That means there have to be a few obstructions, otherwise everyone would all live happily ever after. We begin by getting rid of a few people who would only cause trouble later on. Then we learn that you can't run the family sedan on nitromethane and not have it suck up a value or throw a rod when you drop the hammer at five grand for the eighth time in one evening.

I think I'm going to leave it at that. You can see the film for yourself and enjoy it or not as the case may be. What I found more interesting than the film was the audience.

In the film Our Hero is someone that almost everyone in the audience can identify with. He isn't wealthy, he's unemployed and his woman has just kicked him to the curb for reasons that everyone can agree with. He lives in a messy apartment and he's behind on his rent. He's unshaven, unkempt and having spent the entire advance, dead broke. One pill changes all that.

One pill turns him into someone that everyone would like to be. He's smarter than everyone else, he has ambition and drive to succeed. He wins at poker, then he moves on to win at the stock market. He doesn't expend much effort to do this, either. Listening to a foreign language is enough for him to learn to speak it. Watching martial arts movies is enough to give him the fighting skills to bust a few heads during a confrontation on the subway. He becomes a sort of super man.

The audience was dead quiet through the whole thing. They watched, and I believe they spent their time imagining what they might do if they ever found the right pill. Side effects wouldn't matter, the length of your life would not be a factor. Live half as long but twice as well? Just tell me this: can I kick that up to a factor of five or six?

Limitless is a great film. I found it entertaining and it ends well. In fact, the ending is worth sitting though the film even if you don't especially care for it. I'd give it four out of five stars and I consider it a good value at regular price admission, and a real bargain at matinee prices.

Film Review: Lincoln Lawyer

The Lincoln Lawyer
Rated: R
Running Time: 1 hr. 59 min.
Genres: Drama

Starring:

Matthew McConaughey as Mick Haller
Marisa Tomei  as Maggie McPherson
Ryan Phillippe as Louis Roulet
William H. Macy  as Frank Levin
Josh Lucas as Ted Minton
John Leguizamo as Val Valenzuela
Michael Peña as Jesus Martinez
Bob Gunton as Cecil Dobbs
Frances Fisher as Mary Windsor
Bryan Cranston as Detective Lankford
Trace Adkins as Eddie Vogel
Laurence Mason as Earl
Margarita Levieva as Reggie Campo

Memorable quotes: I'll tell ya this, ya got more balls than a Chinese ping pong tournament.

After taking my dear old Mom to see Black Swan, I decided I should do something nice for her, such as taking her to another film. I had two things going for me here. One, Mom is a kind and forgiving person, as evidenced by my own survival into maturity (chronologically speaking, anyway). Two, Main Lady selected the film and told Mom that she had selected it based on something she heard on NPR. I have decided to write this review without spoilers, so anyone who hasn't seen the film yet can enjoy it.

Our protagonist is a street wise criminal defense attorney who is fast on his feet and will represent anyone to the best of his considerable ability for money. The man keeps his office in the back seat of a Lincoln Town Car. He employs a chauffeur due to a misunderstanding about blood alcohol limits and bad driving. He is divorced, his wife being the prosecuting attorney. He does not have a drinking problem, as he has plenty of money and a friendly bartender who is willing to serve him drinks as long as he remains on his bar stool. Our hero takes a case and lives to regret it.

The strong points of this film are not in the plot, which is standard courtroom drama without any new twists or turns. It's in the presentation of the plot that the strength is revealed. Major characters develop, and they do so for good reason. People have convictions, and although the supporting characters are a little over done, it doesn't detract from the film or make the characters boring or tedious. For instance, when one somewhat addled man on the witness stand tries to recall a few details about past events, he casually remarks, "Let's see, that was back in '06... I don't know - I was pretty high that year."

When the drama is broken up with some comic relief, the timing is perfect. The characters the protagonist meets are colorful, and somehow someone managed to hire a writer or two who could actually write good dialog for the characters. The actors really bring it off well.

Compared to most films the sets and costuming are minimal, but then this is a crime drama. I'm not looking for plane crashes and car bombs, and I don't get any. Which is a big relief, by the way. The drama stands nicely on its own without crude distractions - explosions, strip clubs and gratuitous violence are eliminated. While I wouldn't take small children to see the film, I don't really see anything wrong with taking anyone 16 or older to see it. It's a great film.

It's likely that the worst part of the film is the over drawing of supporting characters. The police are all stereotypes, as are other attorneys. As is everyone else who appears in a supporting role. So, if you are easily offended by such things, park the chip on your shoulder and watch the film anyway. It's likely you'll enjoy it.

This is one of the few films that I think is worth the full price of admission. Watching it reminds me of reading a great crime novel. I'm giving it five out of five.

Film Review: Battle: Los Angeles

Battle: Los Angeles
Rated PG 13
116 min
Genre: Action | Sci-Fi | Thriller

Aaron Eckhart as S Sgt. Michael Nantz
Ramon Rodriguez as 2nd Lt. William Martinez
Cory Hardrict as Cpl. Jason Lockett
Gino Anthony Pesi as Cpl. Nick Stavrou
Ne-Yo as Cpl. Kevin Harris
James Hiroyuki Liao as L Cpl. Steven Mottola
Bridget Moynahan as Michele

Spoiler Alert: I write about the film here, and I summarize the film including the ending. If you don't want to know how it all comes out in the end, stop reading and go see the film. Otherwise, continue to waste your time.

I haven't seen an action film in a long time, so I went to see Battle: Los Angeles after reading the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. I note that 32% of the official Rotten Tomatoes staff liked it, while 64% of the voting public liked it. I'm betting that the producer of the film along with everyone else directly involved in profit sharing care more about the proletariat than they do about a bunch of approved critics who have little better to do than regurgitate whatever they read in the New York Times or Chicago Tribune. As of today, the film has grossed $35,000,000 and that's a lot of dead presidents.

The deal is that scientists (who else?) discover a swarm of meteors that appear suddenly on the edge of our solar system and begin converging on the third planet. That would be us, genius. Just as everyone at the bar is ignoring CNN, scientists announce that instead of slamming into the third planet the meteor swarm is slowing up and taking aim – at us. The invasion is on.

The aliens employ all the diplomacy and subtlety of Attila the Hun passing through Gaul. Seeing that any kind of treaty is something to be ironed out after the war, we mobilize our military. Meantime, scientists discover that the aliens want our water. Salt water, fresh water, even sewer water. The aliens want all of it. Evidently there's a water shortage in the entire universe. I noted that since the aliens were using water for fuel the implications to the petroleum industry were significant, which would explain the motivation for resistance. The aliens begin by hitting Los Angeles and other major cities along the coast. I've lost track of the number of times Los Angeles has been destroyed in one way or another, but I kind of wonder if the film industry isn't trying to tell us something. We get to see the aliens right away and they are ugly looking things, a kind of cross between Hitlery Clinton and an octopus. The alien ground pounders carry several hundred pounds of combat gear, and they all resent this enough to lighten their load as they ambulate along the streets of L.A.

Our hero Staff Sargent Michael Nantz inherits a walking cluster fuck of a ninety day wonder (Lieutenant, in this case 2nd Lt. William Martinez) and a host of jar heads that don't trust him any further than... well, words fail me. They don't trust him though, because Nantz has a lot of baggage over his last mission. So when the aliens pull a beach invasion, Nantz and the jar heads saddle up and move out under command of the second looie. Naturally they all get japped on an open street by the alien ground pounders who have taken to the roof tops. High ground, you see. I'll spare you the rest of this, mainly because it's so predictable that everyone knows what's going to happen right from the start of the film, and you know this for the same reason everyone watching the old Star Trek TV shows knew for a fact that not all the red shirts were coming back to the ship, just like everyone knew Kirk, Spock and McCoy would return safe and sound. About the only cliché I didn't hear in this film was “A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.” The rest is covered, as is every single over used plot device known to Hollywood. That leaves acting and special effects.

How the actors manage to deliver their lines with a straight face is beyond me. I couldn't do it unless I was hammered, or at least half in the bag. Okay, so maybe that's how they do it. They all come through and that's good, because if they didn't it would detract from the film's saving grace: special effects.

The film is a non-stop, massive battle which destroys everything in sight. The special effects are great, and are solidly backed up by costume, sets and makeup. The place looks like a war zone and the aliens have some great gear. When our side shoots up the aliens, there aren't any gratuitous slime shots. Instead, the fifty cal machine gun tears up everything and hits a fuel tank, which blows. Grenades blow stuff up. I particularly liked one scene where they've got a wounded alien hiding in the murky water of a swimming pool. Our Hero casually orders a grenade tossed into the pool. Excellent! Since the aliens are tough to kill (what, you thought they'd be easy?), our side manages to capture a wounded alien, then a civilian veterinarian and the protagonist use his K-Bar to try and find the alien vital spots. This takes time and is a scientific learning and growth experience for everyone. The dialog is priceless.

In the end our side discovers an alien command center, paints it with a laser and calls in a missile strike. The giant command center goes airborne just before being hit with a few missiles and is destroyed in a truly spectacular display of falling debris, fire and smoke.

I liked this film for the special effects and sets. The story is nice and simple, and the aliens are not wimpy push overs, or misunderstood buckets of cottage cheese or anything like that. They want to kill all of us and won't surrender. We rain on their parade.

I'll give it four out of five for special effects only. If you want anything more than that, wait for the DVD.

Film Review: Black Swan

I went to see Black Swan at the Maumee Indoor Theatre (601 Conant Street, Maumee, OH, (419) 897-8901) mainly because I was bored and felt like getting out. It wasn't a complete waste of money or anything, it's just that I have yet to find a review that actually told the truth about the film and what the story is all about. Hence my review of a film that's been out so long you can probably get it on DVD now. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, here's a review complete with spoilers.


Black Swan
Rated R
108 min
Genre: Drama | Mystery | Thriller

Starring -
Natalie Portman as Nina Sayers
Mila Kunis as Lily
Vincent Cassel as Thomas Leroy
Barbara Hershey as Erica Sayers
Winona Ryder as Beth Macintyre
Benjamin Millepied as David
Ksenia Solo as Veronica
Kristina Anapau as Galina

For those of you unfamiliar with the off stage and behind the curtain life of a professional dancer that isn't pursuing her career at Platinum Showgirls, allow me to enlighten you. First off, ballet dancers are born, not made. If a girl isn't able to turn her toes out by rotating her hip joints, forget it. She's out of the line up. Likewise if she starts to resemble a real woman instead of a stick figure (like if she gets a nice set of bazzongas) she's passed over. Then, should she fail to have talent coupled with obsessive desires and deeply rooted insecurities, she won't work hard enough and so will be passed over. On top of this her parents, friends and family will have to accept her ignoring them in favor of ballet lessons, ballet practice and the injuries dancers get from wearing toe shoes and striving to contort themselves into unnatural positions. Then there's the personalities involved.

Dancers are mean. They tend to be unscrupulous and more than a little immoral. Most are insecure and display emotional problems that are as fluctuant as their bodies. Aberrant behavior is normal; these crazy little time bombs will explode into violent tantrums at the drop of the wrong name. Hell, you don't have to take my word for it; go talk to a few burned out ballet dancers and get the straight story for yourself. Anyway, Black Swan gives some insight into this. The choreographer acts like a real prick who tries seducing our poor protagonist, as do several other men and women. Mom smothers the girl and displays the emotional maturity of a failed ballet dancer who is now living vicariously, complete with neurotic behavior, through her daughter. Dad is no where to be found - the poor bastard probably saw the train wreck coming and decided to move to Thailand and send support and alimony checks once a month, that being a whole lot easier than failing to cope with two possibly dangerous screwballs at home.

The ballet company is performing Swan Lake, which is the very first ballet set to the score of a symphonic composer, namely Tchaikovsky. Ah-ha! That explains everything, right? For those who still lack an explanation, the short of it is that there's this swan who's really a gorgeous princess, and a bunch of people get together and do predictable things including showing each other their equipment, then everyone dies. Which, when you think about it, provides a nice, tidy ending with no room for a sequel. An error that wouldn't happen today, I assure you, but a blessing none the less.

The lead dancer for Swan Lake in the film is severely neurotic at the very best of times. Under stress she gets a little crazier every day until the astute audience member (hell, anyone who isn't asleep) will note that she's moved from neurotic into full time psychotic, complete with violent hallucinations and a set of compulsive, self-destructive habits that would cancel her ObamaCare in a New York minute. As the protagonist (Nina Sayers) gets through her day without benefit of medication, the R rating gets strained to the maximum. I'd have rated this gem with an X and left it in the art theater where it belongs, but somebody got their palm greased and here it is at the Maumee Indoor.


So what happens? On opening night someone puts a penny in Nina's fuse box, the crazy meter pegs and burns out, right along with our protagonist.

I liked the film, but it isn't for everyone. I'd give it 4 out of 5 stars, but I would not see it with Main Lady unless she insisted on it. I damn sure wouldn't let my kids see it, and not just because of the blatant sex scenes.